Seven, (+3) Christmas Songs I Could Do Without

I love Christmas music - all kinds.  Manheim Steamroller, The Carpenters, Harry Connick Jr., Trans-Siberian Orchestra, and so on.  Still, it seems like too many people feel obligated to jump on the Christmas bandwagon who would be best served exploring some other genre - polka anyone?  I thought that I would dig into my more critical alter-ego and offer up 7 10 Christmas Songs I Could Do Without.  Enjoy! (or I guess more in line with the point of this blog, "Don't enjoy!")

1.  The Christmas Shoes
I have no objections to songs that tugs at your heart strings, I have a special place in my heart for "I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day," but some songs just try to chuck in far too many emotional angles into one poem than is possible to maintain any degree of credibility.  Such is the case with The Christmas Shoes.  It's like someone tried to see how many emotional theme they could bake into one song.  Let's mix in some Jesus to a thick Christmas base.  Add in a measure of cute little boy and a half-a-pound of poverty.  Put in some new footwear (this can be highly emotional for you ladies) and finish it off with a healthy serving of dying mom.  Did we miss any tragic elements?  I guess we could have tossed in Tiny Tim on crutches, Nelson Mandela rotting in jail, and whatever priest gets stuck hearing Miley Cyrus' confession this week into the mix to hit every sympathetic note imaginable.  Sorry, it's just far too much Cheez Wiz and not enough cracker for me.  I'd much prefer a musical rendition of Bert and Ernie's gift of the Magi tale.

I also find that my heartless, pragmatic side keeps telling that little boy to just buy the shoes on credit and return them the next day.  It's not like mom will put much wear on them.  Yah, I think that last bit just officially killed the Christmas spirit for half of you.  Sorry.  Best go eat some Who-hash and read Dickens.

2.  It's Cold Outside
Hmmm... Nothing quite brings in the spirit of Christmas like a little attempted date-rape.  Say what IS in that drink.  Ladies are you really feeling that Christmas spirit when he is slipping some Ketamine into your cinnamon flavored eggnog?  I also distinctly remember hearing her say "no" at least four times.  I can just imagine this guy on the defendant's stand, "Isn't it true Mr. John D. Pervo that she not only told you "no" once, but emphatically said "no" FOUR times!  What wasn't clear when she said, and I quote, 'THE ANSWER IS NO!'"  Guaranteed conviction.  I think this song only survives in our holiday repertoire because of the absolute dearth of Christmas songs that can be performed as a male/female duet.

3.  The Christmas Song
OK, truth be known I love this song.  I think God put a little extra elbow grease into his work of creating Nat King Cole.  That man is amazing.  My complaint comes from what my kids continuously do to the opening line of this holiday favorite.  Who can forget, "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire?"  Such a warm image of the quaint quintessential American Christmas.  Yet, this has been spoiled for me by my children who, somewhere along the line, took to replacing "chest" with their father's name, "Brett."  Nope not very Christmasy for me at all!  Sorry Nat, but not my fault.

4.  So this is Christmas
I will admit it.  I am an anti-Hippie-ite.  The only thing good to come out of the '70s was the generation that got to grow up in the '80s.  For me, Lennon's solo career was pure Hippie tripe.  And I don't care if you add in a bit a jingle bells (or even more cowbell), it can't change the fact that this is a hippie song.  Whenever I hear this song, all I can think of is Hank Hill's father accusing him of beatnik leanings because Hank has the word "PEACE" illuminated in Christmas lights in his front yard.  Hank's response was, "Dad, it's Jesus peace not Hippie peace..."  I understand you perfectly Hank!  There is just a difference.  If this song does put you in the spirit to celebrate the birth of the son of God, just listen to John Lennon's "Imagine" directly afterwards and the two songs neutralize each other so that you can enjoy holiday in a healthy agnostic state.

5.  Wonderful Christmas
This song also runs afoul of my "no-Hippies at Christmas" rule.  Again, adding some jingle bells in the background cannot undo that horrid "wah, wah" keyboard sound stomping on my holiday spirit.  Somehow the keyboardist seems to think he is the star, rather than the red-headed stepchild of this little holiday musical lump of coal.  The keyboard throughout casts images of Mario scampering after a magic-mushroom rather than reflecting on peace on earth good will toward men (Perhaps Paul was chasing his own magical mushrooms when he wrote it).  Also the utter repetitive drone of the unimaginative words make me long to the complexity of a boy looking to buy shoes for his dying mother with only a sob story for payment.  Sorry this great musical icon was just out-written by the Christmas-shoes-dude.

6.  Carol of the Bells
Admittedly, this is a beautifully sung piece with complex staccato lyrics flying about all over the place like Santa's sleigh.  It can be performed in so many interesting and dynamic ways that the song never feels out of date - see the Piano Guys version on the second video clip.  So, why did this song make my list?  The blame once again falls squarely on the shoulders on my children (What do they think it is, their holiday or something?).  One of my sweet daughters, not quite understanding the fast paced lyrics and being accustomed to hearing "potty words" from their brothers, concluded that the lyrics sang "ding fuzzy dong, ding fuzzy dong."  After now having 8 and 11 year daughters repeatedly singing these lyrics in the back of my car all season, I have hereby banned the non-instrumental version of the Carol of the Bells is until some degree of maturity is reached - which with my genes mixed in there may never happen.

The Piano Guys Carol of the Bells (Ah! No lyrics or even any remotely close private part references).

7.  Ding Dong, Ding Dong
I think I am coming to terms with the fact that the Beatles (or just the former Beatles) have no part in my holiday musical festivities.  My list only had six songs until I ran across this little beauty.  I guess to this former Beatle, Christmas imagery includes pirates, nude guitarist (except for the Ugs), bad horse teeth, and some kind of opium den.  I think I should use this video in my closing arguments against the '70 and against any former Beatle entering the holiday music genre (George.  You were my favorite former-Beatle until I found this...Ringo?)

(And what is with the guy doing the "YMCA" in the back at the 2:50 mark?)

So that is my list.  Like it or not - I am sure mostly not.  What are some of your least favorites holiday songs?  Post them below.  I'd love to hear them in case I need to bring my Christmas season down a bit more.

UPDATE

So I received some good feedback on songs from Facebook and thought that this post could use a little update including the input from my friends. Apparently there is no shortage of crappy Christmas songs out there and so I thought I would address three more song that blight my Christmas holiday.  So here are the blog bonus tracks to these B-side Christmas disasters.

8.  Last Christmas

What "Wonderful Christmastime" did for the 70s, "Last Christmas" does for the 80s.  All you need to do is swap a whiny 70s keyboard sound for the neon wearing, too effeminately British keyboard sound, and there you have it.   Yet even worse than the failed former-Beatles Christmas songs which at least use real jingle bells, for some reason Wham opted for the keyboard version of jingle bells (why George, why?).  I will give the video some points for a least an attempted winter scene.  However the feathered hair and dudes with too many earrings costs it some penalty points.  What is even worse is that this song has over 45 million views on YouTube. For this 4 1/2 minute tragedy of a song, that equates to over 380 years that mankind can never recover. I weep for humanity.

I also can't escape the snarky thought that George Michael's gave his heart to a girl last Christmas (who promptly gave it away, in fact, it was the very next day) and that this year the “someone special” who he is going to give his heart to is probably a dude.

[Also, at the 3:25 mark what is with the dude in the plaid bathrobe and the Max Headroom glasses?  At least there were no pirates.]

9.  Little Saint Nick

I grew up listening to the Beach Boys and they are great summer music, but they have stepped way too far out of their genre in making a Christmas album. I can handle a Jewish Neil Diamond singing about the birth of the Jesus (hey they are both Jews), but Beach Boys singing about Santa Claus and a white Christmas?  I don’t think so.  Even more appalling is that the Beach Boys ripped off their own song, Little Deuce Coupe, on their failed quest to merge anything California with Christmas. For me this is like Oingo Boingo, the quintessential Halloween band, releasing a Valentine's Day album featuring day-of-the-dead skeletons holding hands. Find your genre and stick to it please.  Fortunately, there is no attempt at a dramatic reconstruction of this lame song through a hack music video – whew!

10.  Hey Santa

Here is the 90s contribution to crappy Christmas music. When this song was first pointed out to me as a potential blog post candidate, I thought I had never heard the song.  After consulting YouTube, I realized I had in fact heard the song but thought it was a lame advertising jingles for a place like Kohl's or JC Penney’s.   The video’s attempt to one up Clark Griswold’s catastrophic Christmas just makes you want to cry.  And would it hurt the girls to get off the flipping couch at some point during the video?  A little exercise is all I am saying.  This reminds me of the George Harrison video, Got My Mind Set on You, where he sits in a chair almost the entire video and let everything else happen around him. When you are a former Beatle, you can pull that off.  When you are Wilson Phillips…? Yeah, probably not. 

At least I am reassured by the fact that this music video doesn't have many more views on YouTube than the video my daughter recorded of herself dancing with her twin to Shake It (watch her jam at the chorus).

So that does it for the bonus list.  I think I will next do a post on songs with a Christmas theme that are overlooked.  Of course this will have a Brett twist on it.  Merry Christmas.