15 Rules for Waking-up Dad in the Middle of the Night

Having fathered five children, I am beginning to realize that over the past fourteen years my sleep has more often been interrupted than uninterrupted.  After spending last night with a four-year-old jamming a larger-than-life Wreck-it-Ralph action figure in my back, I have decided that it is time to lay down…

The Rules for Waking-up Dad in the Middle of the Night (in no particular order):

1. If you have awakened your father while sporting a goiter of a pull-up that is dangling between your knees and bodily fluids have now saturated your jammies chin to toes, please so indicate prior to accepting Dad’s invitation to curl up next to him in bed.  Dad will kindly change your jammies.  Dad will NOT kindly change his pajamas and his sheets as well. 
2. Please do not enter Dad’s room stealthfully and stand six inches from his face while silently staring.  My job is to protect YOU! Protect you from those creepy things that purportedly stalk the house at night.  Mimicking the behavior of said creepy things right next to Dad’s face is likely to get you a karate chop to the face as my super Dad defense skills kick in and may also require Dad to change his sheets, which you know from Rule #1, he does not like to do.
3. Requests for Dad to turn on Dora on the big screen at 3:00 AM will NOT be granted.  A Jason Bourne marathon will be given consideration.
4. If you have puked yourself – please see Rule #1.  Dad also strongly advises that if you wake up mid-Technicolor-yawn, aim for your bedding.  I know that is where you sleep.  Still, blankets come right off and fit easily in the washing machine.  Besides you are going to get some barf on them regardless of where you aim.  A crotchety Dad will ensue if, in addition to your sheets, you also hurl down the side of your mattress, on the carpet, in your toy box, and all over Tickle-Me-Elmo.  Puke scrub-o-thons at 1:47 AM are never fun or funny, even in retrospect.
5. If you “want to sleep in Dad’s bed,” bringing a collection of toys is generally frowned upon.   As of last night Wreck-It-Ralph is officially banned.  (1) He talks if you bump him; (2) he is 1 foot tall and made of hard plastic; (3) those button you push on back makes him punch Dad (and I know you are intentionally pushing them too); and (4) Ralph just has an overall bad temperament.
6. You may wake Dad up to see the first snow fall of the year.  Dad likes snow, always has.  Do not wake Dad for an assessment on whether or not they will cancel school.  I have no idea, especially at 1:00 AM.  In Dad’s opinion they always cancel school way too easily.  My answer will be that school is on but the bus won't make it so you will be a walking to school…barefoot…uphill…both ways…just like Dad did as a kid.
7. If you wake Dad to investigate a scary noise, Dad will conduct a search and destroy mission.  It is my job.  Dad would also like you to appreciate that whatever ghost, monster, alien, or deranged school teacher you have imagined up in your mind, you are asking your beloved father to pursue this creature… unarmed… in the dark… in his underwear.  And frankly, unless whatever is purportedly in the house is startled by a middle-aged dude in his skivvies; Dad does not have the upper hand in this confrontation.  So a little appreciation is appreciated as you send him off into the dark after your worst nightmares.
8. If your request to climb in bed is granted, you must at all times remain parallel to all other sleepers therein.  Any attempts to form letters with your co-sleeper, such as the letter X, T, L, or W, are strongly discouraged.
9. If you find Mom and Dad’s door locked, it is because you have finally convinced us that the aliens from Rule #7 are real and we are hiding to save ourselves.  Sorry, you are on your own tonight.  We are hoping that these aliens won’t be able to eat all of you kids in one night and so we are taking our chances that there will be at least a few of you left by morning.   Dad recommends either feeding the alien Reese’s Pieces, throwing a cup of water on it, play Slim Whitman's 'Indian Love Call,' or just sneeze on it; all seem of have some sci fi merit.  Under no circumstances should you try picking the lock.  You might find your Mom and Dad so scared that they are holding each other super tight under the sheets gasping in terror.  And you really don’t want to see that.
10. In waking your father, don’t forget the three B's that form the basis for acceptable waking of your Dad at unholy hours: Blood, Burning, or Burglars.  Anything else can likely wait until morning.
11. If you do climb into bed with your parents and then choose to fire off a silent “toot,” when your mother begins to inquire as to the source, man up and own it.  Otherwise you are on your own next monster hunt.  If you did NOT pass gas and your mother inquires as to the source of the odor, take the fall for that one too.  Dad just might turn on Dora at 3:00 AM next time.
12. If you totter into Mommy and Daddy's room asking to sleep in their bed and they are pulling their sheets up tightly around their neck with soft-jam music humming in the background, this is really, really not a good night to be sliding between the sheets with your folks.  Walk out of the room quietly and listen for Mommy to remind Daddy to lock the door next time. 
13. If you awake to find Daddy sleeping on the couch, feel free to join him.  It makes it feel more like sleepover than banishment.  If Dad is on the couch and you need to wake him for reasons outlined in Rules # 1 or #4, this is a good time to wake your Mother.
14. If your “blankie” that you went to bed with has disappeared as you slept, please first confirm that the flat screen TV and iMac are missing too before waking Dad.   Because if nothing else is missing in the house, then chances are a burglar did not break into the home for the sole purpose of abscond with your precious blanket.
15. If you have snuck into Mom and Dad’s bedroom unnoticed and are laying quietly at the foot of the bed hoping to spend the night there without asking permission, please make your presence known promptly if you hear your father begin to talk like he is in a bakery (“Hey sweet cheeks,” “Nice hot buns,” “Come here sugar muffin” and so forth).  You don’t want to be the only second grader with a therapist.