My Eight Questions on Cuss’n - %$@&

I heard a new song on the radio I really liked.  It is called “The Mother We Share” by CHVRCHES, a cool Scottish 80's pop-synth throwback group headed by a cute cherub of a singer.  I thought it deserved a place on my iPhone, so I bought it on iTunes.  What I didn’t know is that she had slipped a very innocent sounding F-bomb into the song. 

 (I hope no one is surprised that this song has an F-bomb in it - I told you above, right?)

So now I have this cool song that I can’t jam in the car with the kids, as more than one of them have repeated profane lyrics heard in songs in the past (this is exacerbated by the fact that I am terrible at listening to the meaning of lyrics and will quite innocently sing along with the most profane of topics).  All I could think of is why did they need to slip this word into the song - besides the fact that they are Scottish.  Then I got thinking, why do we cuss at all?  They are only words that we as a society mutual agree are offensive – excepting sailors, machinists, and New Englanders of course.  So I thought I would pose here… 

My Eight Questions on Cuss’n:   

1. Can the F-word really be used in any part of speech… and if so, should it?  Though offensive, certain swear words appear to have mystical properties. I know of no other word in the English language that has been used as an adjective, noun, adverb, conjunction, preposition, and pronoun besides the F-word. I found that there is a direct correlation to a person’s ability to use heavy machinery (or SharePoint - that's for you Mary) and a person's capability in the multifaceted grammatical expression of this word.  I have even seen people attempt to lend this word four entirely different meetings in three different parts of speech in a single sentence - while still managing to communicate an idea.  Take for example, a man speaking to his mechanic (for demonstrative purposes I will replace the F-word with "phlegm”),  “Thanks Mr. John McPhlegmerson [pronoun] for phlegming-up [verb] the phlegming [adjective 1] brakes on my phlegming truck [adjective 2].”  Obviously, the customer finds the quality of the brake repair to be subpar.  Yet, this person believes he has conveyed a coherent thought.  And I guess since he is speaking to a mechanic, it would be a bit like speaking German to a German, and the idea would be conveyed.  Regardless, this word is a grammatical anomaly and perhaps we can use it less.
2. Did the Lord of Mankind really miss that hoop?  I used to play basketball with a friend who, whenever he missed a shot, would yell the name of "Jesus" at top of his lungs. This puzzled me. Jesus seemed to have very little to do with the basketball game. Jesus was not there.  There were no statues or painting of him near the court; this was not Notre Dame Football. And it was not Jesus that missed the shot.  You did.  In fact, I think He could have made that layup wearing sandals and a robe.  Just not seeing a reason to blame a Galilean carpenter for your bad shooting.  And if you are praying, it is too late to help that shot.  Not sure retroactive prayer really works without also having a DeLorean.  Perhaps you could call upon the name the Lord before you take the shot. Or perhaps you are calling upon the name of the Lord to repent for taking a terrible shot?  Either way, can we leave the Lord out of basketball; everyone knows he only intervenes in football.

Jesus Visits Tebow 

(sorry I could only insert a link here)

3. Why do we take the name of God/Jesus/Mary in vain, when there are so many other deserving people we could curse?  Imagine you are running late trying to catch your school bus. Unbeknownst to you, your backpack was unzipped and everything you own is now on yard sale down the road.  Wouldn’t cursing “Justin Bieber” feel good about now, rather than cursing your creator or his mother?  And why stop there.  Let’s go after his pet too.  So let’s try “Justin Bieber’s gerbil on a popsicle stick!”  - because everything is funnier on a popsicle stick.  It feels good doesn’t it?  You can curse Hitler if you choose – heaven knows he has it coming.  Try cursing a politician, “Anthony ' Popsicle Stick' Weiner” – you even get to say ‘wiener’ as a freebee.    Try an old teacher, “Frau Adolphi Frittata!” Besides good alliteration, this curse has a sophisticated food reference.  My personal favorite is “Scott Farkus” (not on a Popsicle stick, sorry).  After all, he has yellow eyes.  So help me Obama, yellow eyes!  See how easy that is (and it is even more funny because Barak has a god complex)?

4. Is an acronym of a flip’n acronym still an acronym?  I had heard years ago that the F-bomb was actually an acronym for the First Night practice in medieval England which was called “fornication under command of the king.”  I have no idea if this is true and I have better things to do than look up the etymology of the F-word.  Sill I find it interesting that this acronym is now used in other acronyms, such as FUBAR.  Does this make it an acronym twice removed or an acronym squared or a sub-acronym?  Not sure.  But is does suggest that this word probably was not meant to be such a staple in the modern lexicography.
5. Can we bring back “illegitimate bastard” as a genuine legal term?  I learned in law school years ago that the term “illegitimate bastard” was in fact a legitimate (no pun intended) legal term.  It eventually was deemed offensive and changed to “non-marital parents.”  Now that half of the births in the US are to non-married parents, I wonder if this problem could be addressed simply by picking up the “illegitimate bastard” term again.  If we went around telling every other mother what a "cute little illegitimate bastard" they had, might that nudge couples towards getting married?
6. If swear words are just words that the majority of the people in a given language and culture find offensive, can’t we just make up our own expletives and have more fun?  I mean really, let’s not limit ourselves to cursing people (see #3), we have the whole lexicon of the English language before us.  Open up our creativity.  It is a bit like tying your own fishing flies. It just feels better when it's your own handy work. Despite catching flak from my brothers, I have crafted my own cuss words for years that typically include words such as “ball,” "monkey," "nugget," "cheese," ”donkey,”  and of course “popsicle stick.”  So let’s say, some lady with 1980’s super tall bangs cuts you off while putting on make-up in her rear view mirror, rather than equating her to a female dog, try yelling "suck nugget cheese ball" at the universe.  Feels good doesn’t it?
7. Is BUGGER really a “four letter word”?  I once called a kid a “little bugger.”  I was promptly reprimanded by an elderly gentleman who told me that when he was a kid “bugger” was a “four letter” word.  Despite my best attempts, I was unable to honestly spell the word in less than five letters – let’s face it, one of those G’s is redundant.  Beyond the spelling, has anyone else encountered another individual who even seems mildly offended by this word?  Or is it just this fellow?
8. Can we get a list of mutually agreed upon cuss word?   This would be greatly helpful in preventing false reports that my kids are swearing in school?  A few years back in New Hampshire, one of my kid's teachers reported at parent teacher conference that my child was swearing in class.  This was surprising.  I was thinking, ‘What the crap has he been saying?’  Apparently the word WAS “crap.”  All I could think was “I learned it from watching you. OK!  I learned it from watching you!”  Still, “crap?”  Seriously?  Yet during our meeting she referred to God in a non-religious sense multiple times.  Clearly two cultures missing each other here.  I propose that we create a Wiki-Swear page where we can just post what is and is not a swear word, so long a “Scott Farkus” never makes that list.