Dude Cooking: What to Expect When Dad Puts on the Apron

The stereotype that men can't cook is so last century.  We can do so much more than just burn Spaghetti-Os served up with a Pop-tart chaser.  That being said, men have a very different philosophy toward cooking than women. To illustrate this point, I hereby present:

A father's philosophy for cooking, as conceived by an engineer-lawyer-mechanic-father (a.k.a Bretty Crocker):

1. Before a father agrees to cook dinner, he must consult the refrigerator to ensure that the core essential ingredient for any male cooking endeavor is available in ample supply - BACON!  If a man hath not bacon, he hath nothing (and turkey bacon doth not counteth).
   
   
2. A deep fat fryer is the Holy Grail of male cooking paraphernalia. There is no end to what you can make with one of little these beauties by your side.  You can literally take anything out of your fridge or freezer, dip it in some Bisquick batter, and fried that sucker up; chicken, cheese, dough, vegetables (tempera anyone?), candy bars, Twinkies, butter, you name it.  It is like you own little county fair in you kitchen, without all of the wife-beater wearing, mullet sporting backwoods folk who seem to converge en masse to these events.
   
   
3. Dads have no qualms about bucking the system and intentionally throwing all culinary meal norms out the window - along with those icky bean sprouts. Breakfast for dinner?  Great idea - and a good excuse for bacon.  Pizza for breakfast?  Sure, you can even throw some bacon on that.  Grill a steak fillet as a light lunch?  You bet, just wrap it up in bacon.  All great options. A little civil disobedience in the kitchen now and again is a good thing, isn't it?  If not so, we never would have been introduced to chicken-n-waffles.   
    
4. If you go all Bobby Flay and attack the kitchen Iron Chef style, don't worry about the mess.  Since you have dirtied EVERY dish available in attempting something so fancy for the family, your wife and kids won't mind cleaning them all up for you as you relish in the greatness of your goat cheese-ginger-bbq-catfish.  I am sure that scowl on her face is because she knows that you reigned supreme in your own kitchen stadium tonight.
   
   
   
   
5. A man's views his kitchen the same way he views his wood shop - the more tools the better.  So Belgian waffle makers, George Foreman grills, deep fat fryers, tortilla presses, quesadilla cooker/slicers, the Bass-o-Matic 76, the magic bullets, ice cream makers, the Ginsu knifes, and even your daughter's Hasbro Easy Bake Oven may be whipped out and put into use whenever possible. Again, don't worry, the family will appreciate your food so much they will have no qualms about cleaning it all up.
   
   
6. If something catches fire on the stove (apron, hot pad, paper towel, grease pool, cat), no worries.  It is a badge of honor and just plain old cool.  It's like a campfire, but inside.  After all, aren't there always flames shooting up all around Bobby Flay?  It is also a great excuse to finally use that fire extinguisher your wife made you buy seven years ago.
   
   
7. Dads know that sometimes you need to sell the meal.  Don't just call it "nuggets and fries." Tell the kids you are making "Father's Fried Bucket of Fun" and serve it all mixed together in a giant popcorn bucket.  They are not sandwiches, they are "Super Bacon Piles."  It is not pizza, it is "Dad's version of Pizza Hut pizza," or even better "Dad's Homemade DiGiorno pizza" - which I think is just a regular DiGiorno pizza, but it sounds like you put a lot of time into it.
   
8. If your Bobby Flay meal turns into the culinary version of Roseanne Bar singing the National Anthem, which is 50/50 odds, just throw in a DVD and call it "Dinner and a Movie." The kids will spend the whole time watching the movie that they won't even touch the food and your reputation will be preserved (though fat chance of getting your kids to help clean up until the movie is over).
   
   
   
   
9. I advocate men wear coveralls while cooking, just like your mechanic.  (A) it feels like you are doing manly work; (B) it beats borrowing your wife's frilly flowered apron - which I have done; (C) you can just wipe your hand anywhere; and (D) it is much preferred to grease staining your favorite shirt extolling the virtues of bacon - you think these shirts would be much more grease proof.
    
10. If a man is not in the mood to cook, he will likely do some effort vs. efficiency analysis.  This is particularly true if he bills by the hour at work, such as a plumber, consultant, mechanic, lawyer, etc.  In such a case he can calculate how much money he would make if he worked an extra half-hour at work tomorrow rather than cook for a full hour tonight.  This billable half-hour income is now how much he can logically justify spending on takeout.  If you are a high-end lawyer or a crooked plumber, you can eat pretty well.  Maybe even bring home an Awesome Blossom with that Chili's takeout.  Yes, I know they have discontinued the Awesome Blossom.  I am still in denial.  Although I do have an "Onion Blossom" cutter and a deep fat fryer.  Hmm...  I think it is time to go put on my coveralls and let the kids no they are on cleanup duty - Bretty Flay is in the House!

Dedication: A special thanks to all of my friends and family who have spent many a memorable evening in our kitchens frying butter and eating bacon.