Shut Up and Watch the Game: The Utterly Stupid Things Said in Football

Football is cool.  It is dynamic and strategic.  It is violent and graceful.  It is one of the greatest treats of fall - even better than pilfering your kids' Halloween candy.  For all of its goodness, however, the dialog associated with football accounts for some of the dumbest phrases utter by man since leaving the cave in its wooden underwear. Here are some of my favorites, or more to the point, some of my least favorites utterances hollered out at football games:


Blame the Guy on the Bench:

I played football in high school. By playing I mean I got in a play.  Uno, one, half of two.  I got in one lousy play after two years of busting my butt on the varsity team.  I was actually pretty good, or at least that is what my mom kept telling me.  But I did not play.  So as I sat there helplessly watching my team get wasted from the sideline, I cannot count the number of occasions where some starter walked off the field in frustration and yelled "Come on sideline!  We're losing because you're not getting it up for us!  Let's go!"  What?  I am not the jerk who just botched a third-and-one by dropping a simple dump pass over the middle.  That was you!  It ain't my fault.  I'm stuck here on the sideline because my daddy does not send the coach new Nikes every month like yours.  So please shut-up, catch the ball, and then next time I WILL cheer.

The Undercover High School Referee:

By undercover referee, I am of course referring to that parent up in the stands who feels compelled to yell every single infraction - at least by the opposing side - down to the field.  And if his (or sometimes her) calls are not heeded by the throwing of yellow laundry on the field, it behooves this parent to decry the parentage of the referee and the skill level of his optometrist.  I think logic seems to suggest if referees at the professional level need a slow-mo instant replay from 5 different angles (including one suspended directly over the players head) to get a call right, the four guys making $17.25 per game are going to miss a few.  So to you I bid ye to also shut-up and watch the game.

Nuggets of Coaching Wisdom - or the Lack of Such Nuggets:

I think the fact that drama club and football practice occurred at the same time during high school explains why so many jocks just suck at giving speeches.  It seams that at the end of every single football game, starting at little league, each coach thinks that it is his moment to shine with his insight and wisdom into victory, defeat, adversity, religion, the Mid-East peace process, favorite recipes, and, oh yeah, football.  90% of the times, these ramblings simply do not make any sense (even with the creative grammatical use of profanity).  The remaining 10% that is comprehensible is pretty uninspiring (blocking is important; got it).  I know coach that you want to have a 'Remember the Titans, Gettysburg moment', but guess what?  That speech was from a movie; written by some English major who you would have stuffed into a locker back in high school.  He can't coach and you can't write.  So please stop trying, shut-up and let's go home.

"They Wanted It More":

Perhaps the only group that says more inane things than football coaches are football players themselves.  And this is probably attributable to the fact that the coach hasn't just been out there for four hours getting his bell rung.  Still, I am not sure this is an adequate excuse for the stock explanation for victory or defeat of "Wanting it More."  "Why did your team loose?"  "They wanted it more."  Really?  What does that even mean?  If wanting it is so important, shouldn't coaches dedicate more time to practicing "wanting?"  And how does one even measure the amount of wanting your team possesses compared to the other team?  Does this excuse work anywhere else in the world?  "Emperor Hirohito, why did the Allies win the war?"  "Brett-san, the Americans just wanted it more."  Actually it may have been attributed to the superior US industrial complex combined with the development of the atom bomb. Likewise, your football loss was more likely caused by your three fumbles and your defensive backs over-pursuing the runners.  So can we just shut the "wanting it" stuff up?

Beseeching the Almighty:

In a world that is utterly Godless,  I will admit that football seems to acknowledge God more than just about any other sport (and that includes Church Ball, as their lips draw near unto Him, but their hearts and fouls are far from Him).  Still there is something that seems a bit misguided and presumptuous in religious exhibitions in football.  Bobby Johnson finds himself in the end zone, kneels down and points to heaven to show by what power he got there.  Now I wonder if it is the Christian God he is acknowledging as the defender Bobby plowed through to get into the end-zone is lying motionless on the field with three compressed vertebrae and a career ending concussion.  Doesn't seem like the answer to the question "what would Jesus do?"  And what would this say about God anyway.  Yes thousands are dying needlessly of Ebola in Africa (and maybe Dallas), but hey God was at the Raiders game helping the second-string fullback score six.  I mean even deity have to have their priorities, right?   And then there is that nice amalgamation of faith and blasphemy that is the high school pregame football prayer.  I think only in football can someone implore the Almighty in the name of His only begotten Son that the team be granted the power to "Rip the Bengals new a$$ H0!!3$."  I just don't recall that being part of The Lord's Prayer.  So let's just shut up with the false religiosity and recognize that God really does not care about football (except for BYU football, of course, it IS his team).