Adventures in Parenting: Five-Year-Old or Super-Villain? You be the Judge.

 

The following are, in truth, actual statements, conversations, or actions by my five-year-old over the past week.  I wish I could say that I took some the artistic license in exaggerating the statements for comedic effect. Unfortunately, none was taken…

Exhibit A:

5 Yr-old:  "I gave Locke (older brother) a graham cracker."

Me:  "That is so sweet, son."

5 Yr-old: [laughing sisterly] "I farted on it first…"

Cue spanking, scolding, time out and teeth brushing.

Exhibit B:

Hearing said five-year-old in the bathroom with his five-year-old little buddy and knowing NOTHING good can come from two five-year-old boys in the bathroom together, I chose to investigate.  Opening the door, I saw the boys holding a dripping tennis ball over the toilet. Each boy accused the other of being the mastermind behind the experiment to flush this unfortunate tennis ball to its stinky end.  Fortunately Archimedes' buoyancy principle kept the ball afloat and my plumber away.

Exhibit C:

“I know how to bring a snowman to life. First you find a bad guy and kill him.  Then you cut out his heart and put in the snowman. Then the snowman comes to life.”  Dark my son, very dark!

Exhibit D:

“I want ninja stuff for Christmas, but no weapons. Only ninja magic.  Then I can make enchanted weapons with my magic.”  I was hopeful for a moment, but only a moment.

Exhibit E:

I noticed this Post-It sitting on the top of the other garbage in the trash can. Figuring that his mother received this note the day before and had already spoken to him I thought I’d be a good father and offer up my own admonitions for improved behavior.

“Did you get in trouble at school?” I asked

“How did you find out?  I threw the note away.”  Ah yep, the note came in the door and into the trash only minutes before.  Now I understand the reasoning behind his requesting that Santa bring him a paper-shredder for Christmas.

Exhibit F:

A neighbor kid abandoned his battery-powered 4 x 4 in the front of our house.  The kind you can sit in and drive.  My little monkey opens the front door, makes sure the coast is clear, and B-lines for the 4 x 4.   Joying riding up and down the road he eventually jackknifes the truck and the wagon it is pulling right in the middle of the neighbor's driveway. Looking to see if anyone witnessed his shenanigans, he bolts like a 2-Strike California felon from the LAPD at the end of a high-speed chase.

Exhibit F:

"TV is my destiny!"... or being a Super-Villain, the jury is still out.





Admittedly, the fact that his Daddy sends ransom messages like this when he leaves his "Cute Blanke" at grandma's house may have something to do with the aforementioned behavior.