The School Drop Off: How Not To Make Other Parents (mostly me) Crazy!

I have kids.  Quite a few of them actually.  I may even have a few spares. And they must go to school - it's apparently the law .  With sports, plays, missed buses, no buses, make-up classes etc., I have to get them to and from school several times a day.  In fact, I have five kids attending 3 different school with 3 different starting times and 4 different ending times.  So it is not surprising that I quite often feel like a shuttle bus driver who gets lowsey tips.  I am also not alone in this unintended profession, because each time I go to drop my kids off at school I encounter NYC-style traffic at the school.  Aaaaand therein lies the problem, or just my gripe.


Personally, I want to get in, disgorge my load, and get out because this is all going on right in the middle of my work day.  I have had more combined work-conference-call/kid-pick-up meetings than I want my employer to know.  I am sure I have unintentionally sued someone in China when my lawyers on the phone overheard me say "Take 'em out," not realizing I was telling my son to remove the 23 Transformers from his backpack before he went into school.  So with this need for speed (Talk to me Goose), I think we can all use a little etiquette refresher on dropping your kids off at school, or any crowded place for that matter.    

While I have yet to do a time study with full Pareto charts of drop off best practices, I am quite certain the problem lies in chasing that load of minions you are carrying out of your vehicle and into the school yard as fast as possible.  This always appears to be the primary bottleneck.  The minivan in front of you pulls forward, stops at the designated drop off location and does... nothing.  It's like a ghost ship minivan; its is moving but there are no signs of life on board.  Were they overcome by carbon monoxide from leaky exhaust line?  Was it the rapture?  Am I caught in a shift in the space time continuum where I am moving so fast it only looks like everyone around me is moving super slow?  Not sure, but I want to roll my window down and yell for them to get their "flux capacitor" moving.

If you are a Ghost-Minivan parent (Suburban parents are not exempt either), here are some ideas to get out of the molasses and get that butt in gear:

• Have your kids get their coats, shoes, and backpacks on BEFORE you arrive at the school.  This is really not the time for wrapping up young Randy head to toe as Ralphie yells "fudge"  because the school bell has just rung.  
• Teach your kids how to open the VAN door (or "vamned" door?).  That minivan has automatically opening doors.  All you need to do is put it in park.  It's in the owners manual, trust me.  Push a button, the doors open, and there are no hindrances to the kids evacuating the vehicle promptly.  Your kids do not need a chauffeur opening up each door with a bow.
• Once the kids are gone... GO!  Please don't check your Facebook status or play Candy Crush.  This is not the time.  Don't chat with a teacher walking in the parking lot.  This is again not the time.  Nor is this the time for farding in the car.  This is not the time for any extracurricular activities, it is time to put it in gear, literally.  Because there is a line of car cued up behind you.
• Train your kids how to get out of a seat belt.  I can't count how many times I have seen a kid lunge forward to jump out of the car, only to be arrested backwards by this safety device.  The mom puts the car in park, jumps out in her jeggings, and frees the trapped child thwarted by the push of a red button.  Look if your kid can operate an iPad, he can figure out how to push the flipping seat belt button.  Perhaps you can just adhere the Angry Bird app icon on the seat belt release button, he'll push that sucker again and again.

• Show your kids Dukes of Hazzard reruns and get them to skip the doors altogether.  Every boy is looking for a reason to jump out of a window.  Here is a perfect symbiotic opportunity to give it a try. 
• When I was  younger we used to do "Chinese Fire Drills" (yes, it is horribly non-PC, but after loosing my luggage they have it coming).  The Chinese Fire Drill works like this; at a red light you yell "Chinese Fire Drill!" and everyone jumps out of the car, runs around it a couple of times screaming, and then hops back into the car in different seats.  Getting your kids out of the car works pretty much the same.  Just drive up to the school drop zone, give the fire drill call out, and then simply drive off once they are out of the car (try not to hit any of them though, that is frowned up, even by the Chinese).

So to do my part, I have trained my kids to minimize the disbarment time.  As we are pulling up you can fell the tension like they are para-jumping into Normandy or fast-roping into Mogadishu.  I hold the "get ready" fist in the air as we approach.  Once we stop I yell "Go, Go, Go!" pumping my fist with each "Go."  I am not quite sure if the first two "Gos" are just a warning, but they all know that on the third "Go" they are to evacuate the vehicle with extreme prejudice.  They look like a well drilled Seal Team.  And if you get hung up, expect to be dressed down like Gunny at basic training by one of your teammates - Booyah!

Still, I think we can do better.  I am having my kids watch Divergent over and over again.  Our next step is to have the kids Dauntless-roll from the bed of the moving truck, over the sidewalk, and onto the school ground grass.  They are eager to give it a go too.  And besides, I always keep a spare kid around.  Perhaps this is why I only see mothers dropping off their kids.