Seriously, You Shouldn't Be Driving in the Fast Lane. A Reality (*Stupidity*) Self-Test

There appears to be a significant degree of confusion amongst daily commuters as to whether or not they are suited, both mechanically and intellectually, for driving in the “fast lane.” In order to alleviate this confusions - without the use of a tire iron to your skull -  I have provided the following do-it-yourself fast land self-test.  Simply answer these few short questions to see if your left-lane ego belongs in the far right lane - or potentially on public transportation.

Am I in the "Fast Lane?"

What is the fast lane?  A very relevant question.  Many driving etiquette violations are caused by the inability to recognize this lane.  To make this assessment, please ask yourself the following questions:

• Are you driving on the left side or the right side of the road?  The left side is the "fast side."  True, there may be cars in the right lane driving faster than you, but that is likely your fault. 
• Is there one other lane left of you?  If yes, are there diamonds on the road surface at regular intervals. Yes?  OK, that is not the advanced skills lane; that is actually the HOV lane. It does not count as the "fast lane."  You should not expect other to enter the fast lane in order to pass you.
• Is there a dotted yellow line to your left? If yes, this is a divided four lane highway.  That is not a fast lane to your left.  That is reserved for oncoming traffic.  The lane you are traveling in is the fast lane and you must remove your head from any place where the sun does not shine while driving in this lane.

Should I Be Driving in the Fast Lane?

Once you have determined that you are, in fact, driving in the fast lane, you must assess whether you are actually qualified to drive in this lane.  This can often be a confusing evaluation to make, particularly for [insert your favorite group of people to blame].  With a few quick self-check questions, however, you too can responsibly use the fast lane and reduce the number of time you are called a “D-Bag” during your daily commute.

1. Did you enter the left lane in order to pass another vehicle?  Yes?  Look to your right. Is that vehicle still there? If so, then you are not passing; you have become part of a moving roadblock.  This may explain the animated gestures from the gentlemen now tailgating you.  Passing inherently requires that your vehicle travels at a faster relative speed than the vehicle you are attempting to pass.  If you are confused about this "passing" technique, just follow the these easy steps.  1) Change lanes; 2) Accelerate your vehicle to a non-glacial relative speed so that you pass the car within 5 seconds; and 3) Get your butt out of the left lane promptly!
2. Prior to starting your vehicle, please walk to its rear. There is a little plate there with numbers, letters, or both. Is the word "Vermont" printed anywhere on this plate?  If so, none of the other 49 states (or Guam) recognizes your right to occupy the left hand lane.  If you also see the word “Prius” written anywhere in the back of your car, we would all appreciated it if you just stick to the back roads, the moose and squirrels spotting is much better there anyway and you may happen upon a nice farm stand too.
3. Look in your rear view mirror. Do you see something very, very close to your vehicle that is not another car  with it's driver giving you the bird.  Don't be afraid.  You are, in fact, towing. You may recall hitching up something to your vehicle prior to departure. It could be a boat, a horse trailer, a camper, your home, it doesn't really matter what it is. It does mean you do not belong in the left lane - even if you did push that special "tow" button in your Chevy.
4. Is your age such that there is a credible risk that you might die of natural causes at any moment?  If so, you should not drive in the left lane.  Pull out of the left lane and find you nearest Denny's.
5. Prior to entering the left lane, ask yourself: Do you believe that your driving technique will have a positive impact on the environment and will potentially save the earth?  If yes, please stay in the far right lane at all times.  Your bumper stickers will be easier to read to slower traffic anyway.
6. When you climbed into your vehicle this morning did you notice a cool picture above or below the name of a state printed on the side of your orange vehicle?  You did?  OK, this is a U-Haul truck.  You really should never be in the left lane, unless you are passing a Vermont registered Prius.
7. Were you born in a foreign country that has never produced an Indy Car champion.  No Champions?  No left-lane for you!
8. Does your vehicle have six or more seats?  Yes.  Now turn off your radio. Is it still very noisy? Yes again?  It appears you are piloting a minivan filled with children. To preserve your sanity your mind has likely been trying to find a happy place. Unfortunately, happy places are often not fast places.  While in your happy place you may have not noticed that the two minivans to the right of you are also traveling at 55 MPH in their happy places.  The course of your Carivan-cade is now being tracked as as red line in every traffic tracker app in the state.  Since synchronized minivan driving is not an Olympic sport.  Please stop practicing and pull to the right. 
9. Are you an "important person"... on an important call... in an important looking car?  Then it is important that you stay out of the fast lane - and preferably out of the gene pool.
10. Do you feel the burden of lost time slipping through your fingers?  No?  Then choose the right lane every time.

There you have it. Now you can go forth, wiser, faster, and less likely to be told you are No. 1 by means of a middle finger.