Marriages Should Begin, Not End With A Divorce: Lessons Learned From My Own Divorce

I have finally found the courage to say what I felt compelled to hide; the reality that I wanted buried deep under a mountain.  It is a truth that I concealed like some scandalous disease, not spoken of in polite company.  Yet, it is a truth that is now a reality… I am divorced.  Just typing those words causes the bile to rise in my stomach.  Still, it is a true fact.  I am a divorced man.  A week shy of 18 years.  Though it stabs to admit, it is too true to escape.

As this unstoppable fate loomed larger in my life, I thought what, if anything, would I say.  How would I face the world with the collapse of my marriage.  I contemplated slipping into single adulthood  subtly, silently.  I imagined the death of my marriage like a snow bank after a long hard winter that daily melts until one day it is just gone - unnoticed.  I wanted to run from this blog post, to hide from it; just like I hid the multiple separations, the strained attempts at reconciliation, the hurt and the pain.

But I don't think I can run from this post and I don’t want to.  This world needs more honesty, more learning from each other, more open admissions of failure.  Also, I lived many of the good parts of my marriage very publicly.  I littered the Internet with pictures of a beautiful couple traveling the world, pictures of stolen kisses, and sweet captions of a long married couple still flirting. There were photos of perfect children, silly family traditions, and exotic places. I wanted the world to see this; to revere what we had built.  I rubbed everyone's noses in it and I was proud of it.

It would be easy to say that we faked it.  The all too common story of calm waters on the surface of a marriage masking the bitter undercurrents lived in private.  Duplicity is easy enough to understand.  But that isn't my story.  There was actually a lot of happiness, plenty of good times, and much love.  Not always of course, and not at the end to be sure.  But this I do know for certain, it was not faked.   And to me, these are the most frightening stories. The ones where what was believed to be unsinkable ends up at the bottom of the North Atlantic amidst shock and tears.  

So what happened?  Maybe it was pride.  I was so proud of the strength of what I had built that I did not bother to look at the cracks forming.  Or perhaps I thought that I could mend those cracks by the power of my own effort.  I could be infinitely patient.  I would be the exception to the rule.  I would hold on.  I wouldn't let that last "I love you" go unsaid.  I would say "I am sorry."  I would leave nothing on the table.  I was special. I could do anything.

“I”… “I”… “I”… “I” alone could not do it.  Making a marriage work is a “we” project.  A lesson I learned far too late.  A “Despair” poster I have long laughed at reads, “It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.”  Those chickens came home to roost in my life.  

Yet, as I have gone through these last few years of pain, I have learned so much about myself. My obscure weaknesses became glaring. Keeping my pride was no longer an option. And once I began dropping my pride, the learning came in droves.  As I sit here now typing this post, I wonder how many marriages could be saved if they only started with the learning gained in an divorce.  This is a paradox for sure, beginning a marriage in divorce. But you learn so much about yourself when such a major part of it hangs in the balance. You learn about your spouse. The things you never wanted heard, get heard. What you never wanted said, gets said.  An honesty borne out of pain reveals itself.  An honestly you have to cope with. It is all there in the open; your weaknesses, her fears, your anger, her sadness. And when you can truly see yourself and truly see your spouse, only then can you both truly love each other.

So while beginning your marriage in divorce is a paradox that cannot be reconciled, there are many of us who have crossed this dark threshold and can call out our learning from the other side.  Like Jacob Marley warning from beyond the grave, you can learn much from those who have failed. These are some of the lessons I have learned from my divorce or that I have extracted from those around me who have had similar journeys:

Learn To Speak With Your Spouse

Don't be afraid to say what you feel (with love of course). This is supposed to be the person you trust most in the world.  Learn to speak with them and learn to be someone they can trust.  You or your spouse may not be ready for this much trust, you can get there though.  It, however, needs to be done together.  This takes vulnerability and humility.  How sad is it that only in divorce does one partner find out what the other has really wanted and needed for years?  Let your conversations be open, be understanding, be loving, and most importantly... honest. 

Be A Non-Judgmental Listener

If you and your spouse learn to openly talk to each other, it will become glaringly clear that they are not perfect.  Hopefully this is not a surprise to you.  We are all human. But as you listen with an open heart to who your spouse really is, the beauty of this imperfect person should become apparent.  This does not give hurtful imperfections a free pass, not at all.  But it does provide a platform where these imperfections can come out and be strengthen together. 

Don’t Be Ashamed To See A Marriage Counselor Early

Too many people seek marriage counseling only after their moment of crisis has arrived; when the bridges are burned and their ashes rain down on your life.  Don't be ashamed of marriage counseling, even for a fully functioning marriage.  Do you see a doctor for a cancer pre-screening?  Then why not do the same with your marriage?  Counseling is not there only to save a bad marriage from dying, but is also there to get your good marriage flourishing.  It is a hard conversation to start with your spouse.  Trust me, I know.  Perhaps you could try, “I read about this really cute couple who thought they had a perfect marriage, but it ended in divorce.  I don’t want this to happen to us.  How about we see about a tune up?”  These difficult conversations now are far better than marriage ending conversations later.   

Understand Your Spouses Hopes And Dreams

We are complex beings with a huge spectrum of hopes and dreams. While getting married may have been the fulfillment of one of your dreams, it was also likely the end of other dreams.  Understand the “bizzaro” side of your spouse, because it is as much part of who they are as the side you know.  See both the stay-at-home mom and the starving artist, the dependable father and the hapless beach bum.  This doesn't mean they can or will throw off all responsibility, but you can both explore the many complexities that makes your lover beautiful.  Then together you can balance the different sides of both of your personalities.

Read A Good Relationship Book Together

Did you get training on how to drive a car?  How about training at work?  Physical fitness training?  Yes?  So did I.  What about marriage training?  Probably not.  I didn't.  Isn’t it crazy that for such an important aspect of human relations, we receive no training?  So go find a good marriage relationship book and read it together.  You may learn how differently you and your soulmate really see the world.  You will learn how to express your frustrations in a loving way.  You will find the gaps in your relationship that need to be addressed. 

  

Never Ignore The Intolerable

While I firmly believe that most marriages can succeed, there are somethings that occur in marriages that cannot and should not be tolerated.  They are abuse, infidelity, and addiction (each in their physical and/or emotional forms).  If they exist, get them in the open and do not ignore them!  Draw your boundaries.  Get help immediately. Don't be afraid to forgive, but demand change and be explicit about consequences. If you do have to end a marriage because of one of these flaws, if you have done it right, then the offending spouse should have no questions as to the cause of the divorce.  If you are guilty of the intolerable, open your eyes and see.  See yourself, see the hurt, see the consequences of your actions.  Seek the sources of your actions inside yourself.  Don’t blame others for your choices.  Because in the end, we all have to own our own mistakes.

Feelings Are As Real As Physical Experiences

Never discount your spouse's feelings because they do not match the "reality" YOU perceive.  What a person feels about a situation is THE reality to that person.  If a wife perceives an innocent comment as hurtful, then it is hurtful.  The husband cannot demand that she feel otherwise because he feels it was harmless.  Both feelings are valid to their owners and neither should be discounted.

Beware Of Pride And Complacency

If you read this post and think that none of this applies to you because your marriage, though having a few faults, is on solid ground.  Think twice.  You are working with one of the most volatile and unpredictable species on this plant – humans.  Watch your marriage.   Guard it.  Protect it.  Grow it.  Critically examine its weaknesses, then seek to repair it together.  Never be complacent.  Never take it for granted.

So these are my divorce lessons that I am calling out from across the dark post-marriage threshold.  Hoping maybe someone out there may find and use some of this divorce learning, in a living, breathing marriage.