A Mormon Dad's First Feeble Steps into Tinder Dating - What's a "Hook Up" Anyway?

So rumor is that the next step in this single life is that I have to start dating. Now I’ve not dated since the Clinton administration, and it's all electronic now-a-days.  Back in my dating days if you dropped your mobile phone, it was so large that it was more likely to break the cement than crack the screen. Heck, I don't think they even had screens then.  I also still vividly remember when "online dating” had this nefarious stigma of human trafficking of Eastern European brides. Yet, here I am in 2015, a 41 year old Mormon-boy back in the dating saddle again in the midst of the online dating revolution.  Hmmmm, this could be tricky.

So figuring I would need help, I asked some friends where to start. They suggested this thing on my phone called “Tinder.”  It's apparently a dating network and not some app to teach Boy Scouts fire starting techniques.  Good to know.  All I needed to do was to create a profile, add some pictures, and the dates would come pouring in.  OK, I'm game, but what pictures do I post?

I was told that every Tinder male must post at least three kinds of photos:

The Shirtless Photo
I need a photo of me not wearing a shirt.  No problem, I have some nice sweaters.  I’m not sure what difference it makes. Maybe women want to see you with a diversity of style.    

The Fish Photo

I also heard that I am supposed to pose with a fish.  So if one fish is good, lots of fish should be awesome.  OK, here you go ladies, me with some lovely goldfish!

The Bathroom Mirror Selfie

The last picture that is a must for a Tinder profile is a bathroom-mirror selfie.  I am guessing they want to see if I am domestic, but wearing my Spartan Super shirt just to show that it's not all mirror cleaning and pumpkin bread baking.  I'm still a man.

Pictures loaded and profile created, I got online.  Now I have heard a lot about "swiping left" and "swiping right." I thought I was ready for this part after years of Dora the Explorer in my house. But I’ve been looking for that stupid little fox for days now, both left side of the screen and right side of the screen, and can't find that cursed little critter.  This is not fun anymore.  I’m also not sure if I yell “Swiper no swiping” three times into my iPhone’s microphone or if I have to type it in.  And what if I don't catch him in time?  Does he steal one of my matches or possibly my fish picture.  I love that photo.  But what does it matter, I can’t find that little bugger anywhere.

There is also a lot of talk of “hookups” or people insisting they do or do not want said “hookups”. I wish they were more specific because I’m not sure if they’re talking about a cable TV hookup, a washer/dryer hook up, or an RV hook up. I mean if a woman does not have a washer/dryer hook up in her house, do I want to date her? Will she be stinky? So I think I’m looking for somebody who has these hookups, right?  An RV would be cool too.

There are also several profiles that say they are "4-20 friendly."  I am pretty sure this is Dolby's new 4.20 digital surround sound.  So obviously these are people with home theaters.  Which explains why they are asking me to bring snacks over... got to have munchies for the movie.

I was also pleased to find that there were even some couples with profiles on “Tinder” that say the are “Swingers.”  That is awesome!  I love swing dancing, though a bit rusty. I learned at church activities when I was a kid. It seems odd to find swing dancing partners on Tinder, but I’m new to this, so whatever.

So despite being new, I think I’m doing really well on Tinder. In fact, I’m off on a Tinder date tonight with a nice woman named Caitlyn.  She says she is an athlete. Though I worry she might have taken steroids back in the day, because it almost looks like she has a bit of an Adam’s apple. Oh well, it's a brave new world. I'm sure it will all make sense to me at some point.  By the way, here is a photo of Caitlyn: