Brett's Dating Disasters Part II: Three Men and a Little Tinder Date.

Ever since the heights of the Night of the Living Moose, my blog is tanked. Apparently the mob wants bad dating stories.  Now really, I cannot say I have regretted asking anyone out.  Yet what about a date where I didn’t ask the other person (okay, people) out and where these people were in fact dudes? Yes, yes, this has the makings of an epic blog post and about three months of therapy. So where to begin? How about we begin with my intention of not going on a date that night?  It was a mere three days after my attempt at re-creating "the cow jumping over the moon" on a mountain bike ended in the hospital.  So despite no longer peeing blood, I had blood pooling internally in places I’d rather not be having blood pooling and I looked like the family dog on National Lampoons Vacation AFTER being tied to the bumper.   So I was not in much of condition to go out of the house, let along on a date.

Still after being stuck on the couch for several days and having taken my last Percocet that morning, I was ready to get out of the house.   Fortunately, it was $5 movie night at the Megaplex and somewhere in the fog of road rash and prescription drugs I managed to join a group to go see a movie.   I looked like I was promoting a new zombie movie as I dragged myself from the parking lot into the theater, but things were looking up.  I managed the best seat in the house, right next to Steffan.  Besides being extraordinaryly beautiful and me having a poorly disguised crush, she also brings a Mary Poppins’ bag to the movie.  A Mary Poppins’ bag because once the movie starts all sorts of goodies which have no business fitting in a purse that size, start appearing from within. I’m not sure who got the fruit and vegetable tray, but I was feeling pretty lucky that I was sharing a pack of Double Stuffed Oreos with Ms. Utah – and she does not share Double Stuffs lightly (just picture Cookie Monster rather than a woman in this scene and you will understand the magnitude of this gesture).  A cold jug of 1% milk even popped out of that bag – perhaps there is a mini-fridge in there?  I was the man – road rash and all.

Stuffed with Steff’s Double Stuff, the movie ending and as our little movie group disbanded,  I was feeling pretty good about life at the moment.  After a few short moments, it was just Steffan, Coco and me, our little gang.  Steffan promptly asked where the nearest Chili’s was and if we wanted to go.  Being an Awesome Blossom aficionado (they really need to bring those back to the menu  – screw the calorie count this is America), I knew exactly where it was – another score for Brett.   Despite looking and walking like a cast member of the Walking Dead, I was heading to dinner with TWO pretty women.  I just wasn’t too sure why she wanted to be there at 9:45 exactly.

I managed to get my road-kill-self inside Chili’s and found a booth in the lounge area with my two lovely quasi-dates. Not so fast Skippy!  No sooner had we sat down when Steffan leaned across the table and announced rather conspiratorially, “I’m meeting a Tinder date here, right now.”  This is where Brett’s mojo deflates, prescription narcotics in my blood system or not.  The beautiful woman I am crushing is ditching me for another dude; ego hit right there.  Though I looked like I had lost a real life game of Frogger with heavy construction equipment, so maybe it was my appearance that was off-puting.  Fine, at least I can have dinner with the lovely Latina Coco – Pollyanna Brett is always trying to find a bright side – and at least there were no moose in sight.

Putting on a brave face, I inquired as to when she would be meeting her Tinder date?  “Now.”  OK, had she seen him yet?  “They were in the next section over.”  They?  What do you mean they?  Was she on a Tinder date with two dudes?  This was not going very well at all.   No Percs were going to make this one better.  She promptly put my perplexed mind as ease and said that she only had a Tinder date with one of the guys, but he thought it would be a good idea to bring his friend.  Brilliant dude!  Women always like to be outnumbered on their first blind date in a dark corner of a restaurant at 10:00 pm with strange men.  No, not creepy at all.  Yet, who was Steffan to talk.  She one-upped them there.  She brought an extra woman AND an extra dude (at least when was left of one).

This date was not starting off very well, and it was not even my date.  Yet, despite dragging me there Steffan was having a rare shy moment and did not want to introduce herself to her date… or dates as it was.  So after some speedy game planning or punting as the case may be, Coco agreed to make it a double date and I would move to the head of the table to officiate.  I blame recent blunt force trauma to my biking helmet for this decision.   Not only was my “date” (no “dates”) leaving me for two strange men one of them met on Tinder, but I somehow agreed to watch this all go down.  That Percocet is nasty stuff. 

Coco was somehow convinced to go and retrieve their (our?) dates.  She takes an acting class at theUniversity, it was good practice against stage fright.  I moved to the end of the table, giving me a tennis match referee point of view to this Tinder double date I was now witnessing with the girl I wanted to be on a date with.  Ah, my life.

As they arrived I could not tell if the existence of the third dude on this date or his overall scarred nature puzzled them the most.  But as graciously as a 3rd-wheel can be (wait – I mean 5^th-wheel), I helped get the conversation going.  I wasn’t even going to sabotage it.  I didn’t have to.  With two beautiful women across the table from them, they begin talking to me about my injuries. I’m starting to see why these guys are still single.  I diverted them back to their proper focus and they began the awkward niceties of a first blind date.  Let’s just start with names, this couldn’t be too hard…….. And we have our first stumbling block.  While Coco and Steffan are not common names, or even on their birth certificates, don’t question a woman’s name.  Even if it is an alias, accepted and let it go. 

Getting past the names, they moved to where the ladies were from.  Coco is Puerto Rican by way of New York and both men spoke fluent Spanish, one had lived in Spain and one had actually lived in Puerto Rico.  This could be a nice connection. Uhhhhhh…  apparently not.   Apparently these two gentlemen had a long-standing inside joke as to whether Puerto Rican Spanish was REAL Spanish.  Now I know I’m new to dating, but I am quite certain you don’t insult a woman’s language or heritage… especially on the first date… and even more especially a Latina.  Bad move guys. Things were floundering for sure.

We took an awkward interlude to order some food and sensing they were getting into deep water, they turned to me and began talking about mountain biking, a hobby apparently we all three shared. Not so fast guys! If I am going to defend my turf here, you need to complete your crash and burn.  So, I directed their attention back to the women again.  Let’s see what happens.  Interesting, just as one guy spoke Spanish like Coco, the other fellow lived in Hawaii like Steffan. You would think they could find some common ground here. Nope, not the brewing dating fiasco.  The problem was that he didn’t seem to believe she had lived in Hawaii (albeit originating from American Samoa).  Here’s a dating tip, and I don’t know many, don’t accuse your date of lying on the first date… within the first 30 minutes.  It is just a really bad idea.  Now Steffan does not suffer fools lightly and questioning her heritage, however exotic, put them in that category.  There was a volcanic fire brewing on the female side of the table.

Wanting to take a break from this awkward melee and having just recently bruised my entire intestinal track, I felt it time to excuse myself to the facilities. Now if you ever have the opportunity to damage your innards, you will find that your bathroom habits have the pacing of an octogenarian.  This ain’t a speedy process for sure.  10 minutes later I was slowly lurching back to the table and it looked like a Mexican standoff was going on, with one extra person, the theme of the night.  The food had shown up and the women had apparently consumed their meals in the time I was in the restroom.  I was not THAT long. No sooner had I sat down then Steffan announced “We are going.”  I knew things were not going well, but I’d never seen women walk out on a date, though three of us weren’t even supposed to be on this date.  The ladies left as there I sat…  on a Tinder date…. with two dudes.  I did NOT see that coming.

Well MY Tinder date apparently went better than the two ladies’ did.  We talked mountain biking, missions, and travel, as I slowly ate my flatbread pizza.  Having been in a relationship longer then then two guys had been out of grade school,  I offered few dating tips.  These were definitely two men’s-men, which explains their perpetual bachelorhood.  After a half an hour of conversation, we each pair own bills (there is no way on earth they were getting mine or I was getting theirs, I can only take this Tinder date joke so far) we stood up and I slowly move my aching body out the door. No sooner had I sat down in my truck when my phone began to ring. Seeing it was Coco I would have my chance to express my displeasure. As my phone rang, I noticed movement in the car to the next to me and saw both Coco and Steffan crouching in a car, trying not to be seen by their dates which were also now leaving the restaurant. Got to give them credit, the lease waited for me to get out safely or maybe they just wanted to see if I was going to get their good night kiss.  But having felt sufficiently violated already, it was not in the cards.

A few months later Steffan and I were retelling this story to my brother and he ask the question that should have been asked several months ago.  “So why did you bring another guy on your date anyway?”  The perplexed look on her face said it all.  She was stumped… and so still am I.  Are there any active monitories in Utah taking new recruits?