Lest anyone think that it is all introspection and crying in my cocoa at my one year divorce-iversary, there have been plenty of fun moments in dating along the way too. With the dating has also come lots of learning about this new behemoth in my life called the "mid-singles dating scene," strange yet familiar ... kind of like another Clinton presidential run. As one year is in the books, successfully or unsuccessfully remains to be seen, I find myself still single (and having won a bet for being so) and reflecting upon all that I have seen and heard in this blindside year that I never saw coming. So here are the 15 learnings that I have extracted from my first year as a mid-single:
- When I first started re-dating, my sister taught me the "Creepy Index" which was explained as follows: Take your age, divide it by 2 then add 7. So if you are 40, the Creepy index is 27. This means that if she is younger than the index number, you might be creepy for hitting on her... but if she is really really cool and mature it might work out if you take care of your old self and stay in shape (I added that last part myself).
- Online dating tip: If a person's profile only consists of selfies taken from a single difficult to achieve angle (typically 75 degrees up and 20 degrees to the right from chin level with arm fully extended), this person may look like a GQ/Cosmo cover model from only this single angle, but likely looks more like a Madd Magazine cover shot from all other viewing angles. Remember, honesty is the best policy people. As we say at work, under promise, over perform.
- If you are ever drugged up on opiates in a hospital with bleeding organs and an IV tapped into a vein after attempting to go all ET on a mountain bike, you may still be required to render your opinion via text on your girl friends' outfits they are wearing out dancing. I think I approved both the nun's habit with cowboy boots and a polygamist dress with Doc Martin boots.
- There is almost always someone out there online who you can chat with at any hour. In fact, you might one night find yourself at 2:00 AM laying injured and unable to sleep in a Wyoming tent after taking your prescription percocet thinking that now would be a great time to strike up a chat on your phone with a random woman from some dating website. Whoever you were and whatever I said, I truly hope you weren't left waiting for me at the Chapel of Elvis in Vegas dressed like Tina Turner that following weekend.
- One perk of dating at the mid-singles age is that you don't have to wonder, "What is she going to look like when she gets a little older and has kids?" You already know. And if you don't know this yet, then please see the "Creepy Index" above.
- Besides already having had to learn German, Russian, and Mongolian at one point or other in my lifetime, I am now required to learn an entirely new pictorial language consisting of smiley faces, blushing faces, winking faces, angel faces, kissing faces, thumbs up, fireworks, hearts, Stars of David, animals, phases of the moon, and smiling piles of poo! I am currently at the "pigeon-emoticon" proficiency level.
- If you try to carry on multiple text conversations with two or more women at the same time, there is a high probability that you will at one point send the wrong message in the wrong chat to the wrong woman. This is the modern day equivalent of flipping an "I like you" note to one girl, but landing your note on another girl's desk. Didn't go well then, doesn't go well now.
- Why didn't I pay attention in just one of the 74 chances I had to learn ballroom dancing at mutual as a kid? Ballroom dancing, emoticons, and rock climbing, the holy trifecta of Mid-singles dating.
- You may end up having awkward conversations with your parents, siblings, or friends as you attempt to explain that subtle yet very important difference between sleeping with someone and falling asleep next to someone.
- If you pick up a woman at a Spartan race, chances are she will be tougher than you. She can already run the same race as you, but she has also likely forced one or more little humans out of her body. She will also be very dirty, but the kind of dirty that when she sends you "dirty" pictures, they will be of her pressure washing her running shoes.
- Being half family man and half "wild and crazy guy" when at social functions, particularly church sponsored functions, I strongly recommend pausing and asking yourself, "is this a single event or a family ward event?" Because going into a "pick up on the ladies" mode at a family ward function does not go over well at all.
- At single functions, I recommend comparing your reflection in the mirror to the other people at the party and asking yourself "am I THAT creepy old dude?" You may feel like you are reliving your high school years, but really you are not.
- Before going to an LDS "singles" event, please be aware that there are three very distinct groups: Young Single Adults (18-29), Mid-Single Adults (30-45), and Single Adults (46-Methuselah). If you show up to the wrong event, you may either get put on some child predator list or end up ballroom dancing with your buddy's mother to the Best of the 50's playlist under the watchful eyes of several widowed Stake Presidents bemoaning this young buck moving in on their turf.
- There is a fuzzy line between "research" and "stalking." If you move beyond their Facebook page to that of their sibling's, ex's, or children's pages that line may be crossed. Unless you find she has an equally cute single sister, then it is just expanding your dating pool.
- You can nearly kill your date by means of a moose gaggle while dragging her through the underbrush and down ravines in the dark pouring rain and then grab her butt as you push her up and over a cliff face to safety, but as long as you write an awesome blog post about it, it's all cool. Moral of the story: A good blog can save you from many a mid-singles dating faux pas... so if I ever get one of those good blogs, I'll be all set.
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