As I first ventured into the adult dating scene, I recall writing
my first online dating profile. It read a lot like one of my blog posts and I
revised and edited the socks off of it so it would be perfect. I wanted to convey
that I was not a walking pan of meatloaf (hopefully not misleadingly). I was a
little surprised and taken aback by the number of messages, likes, winks, swipes
or whatever that came my way. I will not too humbly admit that I’m a decent guy.
Though I’m no Brad Pitt meets Jean Val Jean, 7 out of 10 women would choose
going out on a date with me over drinking cyanide laced Kool-Aid (or even Flavor-Aid
for that matter). And though slightly
puzzled at first, it finally hit me, I was being graded on a curb and there
were a whole lot of turd blossoms pulling down the weighted average.
I had long thought that a job, regular church attendance,
and hair described a minimal qualifying male candidate for most women, but it
turns out that these actually get you rather high marks (and the hair is
frankly optional). If you can manage to
throw in the lack of a substance or porn addiction, this sadly moves you into
the “cream of the crop” category. The other
day I heard a woman complaining about how many men she knew were “NINJAS.” Now
normally in my book being in ninja is awesome! She then informed me that it was
an acronym for “no income, no job, no ambition.” (There is a third non-silent “N”
in acronym somewhere.)
So men we as a gender need to collectively pull our heads
out and pull it together. Yes, you can skate by in life being a walking smiling
pile of poo emoticon, but wouldn’t you rather excite, inspire, and lift an
amazing woman? If so, I’ve put together my own little toolkit on how to not be
a TOOL. Read, study, and applies necessary (kind of like an anti-chaffing balm):
Loose the Addictions
Are you addicted to crap?
Crap would include drugs, alcohol, Rx medication, video games, and porn.
For those of you who are in fact addicted to such crap, I’ve met and dated many
of your ex-wives and the fact that you chose this garbage over them shows what
absolute boneheaded morons addicts are. Dudes, you CAN’T have it both and a
matter how good you think you are hiding it, she’s going to find out. Heck, if my ex-wife found my stash of Scandinavian
techno music stored on my iPod, she is going to catch you sniffing the bath
salts or sneaking peaks at the porn. And
guys, quit thinking that marrying her is going to be the impetus to finally
change yourself. It doesn’t work and never has. You change you, and once you do
then go land yourself a lovely lady, but don’t drag her, your children, and
your marriage into addict crapland.
Say No to Obesity
I find it humorous, in a rather sad way, of how many frankly
plump fellows insist on only dating fit thin women. This should cut both ways.
Yes, you may be able to land a nice woman on your personality alone (bless you,
not sure I could). But my guess is that you’ll have a better chance of keeping
her if you have a winning or even just non-offensive figure to go along with
that. I know what you’re thinking, “easy
for you to say Spartan race boy.” Look,
I’ve had years where had to go by faith that my toes were in fact still there
and had to drop 60 pounds to again count to 20 on all of my digits. The solution is pretty easy; well not easy,
but simple. Get off your butt, eat less, and exercise hard. If it’s not
difficult, it won’t burn fat. Ya ya you
have a gland thing or thick bones or bad knee or whatever. I bet you also have lonely nights, broken dates,
and TV dinners for one. It’s your
choice, hot babe and adding 20+ years onto your life or cake. Your call.
Get Your Butt to Church and Live It
If you are a religious person and are dating within a pool
of religious women, here’s a secret: live it.
I can’t tell you how many women I’ve run into hood met the “perfect man”
but he doesn’t go to church. Now if you have a genuine lack of faith or
disbelief, I can respect that. But I ask
you then, why are you dating religious women? And let’s face it, in most cases a
purported lack of faith is actually a lack of self-control (see the Addiction
or Creepy sections herein for more details). If you believe something, live it. Pick a side and just live it (I recall reading
somewhere or other once about how you can’t serve two masters). And if you just want to deny God and your
faith because you did something so spectacularly stupid that it landed you back
into the single scene, take care of it and improve. None of us is perfect and we all screw up
here and there, but actually TRY to do better.
And the cool thing is that I have some vague recollection that that
Jesus guy you keep hearing about forgives and makes you better, you might want
to look into that.
Hey Man Why Don’t You Get a Job?
Guys, get a job! You
shouldn’t be holding out for a management position with cousin Eddie year after
year. Yes, it’s a new world were many women must or want to work. She may make
a killing in the workforce, but I promise that she does not want to be your
sugar daddy; no matter how good you look in skinny jeans. You don’t have to be
a doctor, a lawyer, or rocket scientist (though those may get you bonus
points), you just need a decent job where you can reasonably support a family.
So if you are unemployed or underemployed because of a lack of a useful skill, go
to school or complete trade program. I guarantee you, welders, firemen, and
earthmovers do just fine with the ladies… Stock boys or any job with the word “boy”
in its title, not so much (this includes the title of “mama’s little boy living
in the basement”).
Don’t Be a Controlling Arse
Do you tell your girl what to do, what to wear, how to
think, how to spend her money, not to cheer for the Lakers (though this may be
acceptable)? You might be controlling. Yes, we men have all the answers. We can
set the timer on the VCR (back when that was a relevant thing) and fix the car
and kill the spiders. But women can do plenty of cool stuff too, including
expelling another human being from their bodies. You know how we don’t like to
be nagged by women? Being controlling is the guy version of nagging. Controlling
is any time you do not treat a woman like an equal partner in the relationship,
but rather treat her like an accessory to accent your life. She’s not there for
you, you are there for each other. Make it a partnership or just sit out of the
dating scene altogether as Fembot android companions should hit the market from
Japan any day now.
Quit Being a Narcissistic Narcissist
Are you awesome, amazing, and God’s gift to [fill in the
blank… blogging]? You might be a narcissist. Now if you don’t know what “narcissism” means,
you are in good company. I had to look it up too. The definition is “extreme
selfishness, with a grandiose view of one's own talents and a craving for
admiration, as characterizing a personality type.” Let’s face it guys, the fact that we all
think we could be Batman means were all a bit narcissistic. So keep a watch on
yourself and keep asking “Am I a narcissistic D-bag?” If you consistently answer “no,” then you
might in fact be one of these narcissistic D-bag. Because it’s a bit like humility, once you
think you have it, you’ve lost it. So
spend time focusing on her. Make her
look good, focus on her talents, admire her, crave her success and then she
will think you are as cool as Batman, or at least Bruce Wayne.
Stop Being So D@#$ Creepy
Are you saying spectacularly creepy things to woman on
Facebook? Are you telling the woman that
you would like to see her in various states of undress on the third message you
exchange? Are you sending off unrequested
pictures of your bits and pieces (face it, your little buddy there is designed
for function, not appearance. It ain’t pretty)? My simple advice here is to ignore
Nike and JUST DON’T DO IT!!! Yes, many
women act like they want the bad boy; and in the short term this may be true
for some women. But in the long term you want to good woman, not one that will
go crazy on you and leave you high and dry (like strippers, hairdressers, women named Tiffany). Sure there is a place
for such flirting and innuendo, but I can promise you it shouldn’t be your intro
move. Shock value works for TV rating,
not for a dating score.
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