When
I was young and unabashedly idealistic, I beat it into myself that whatever the
situation would be in my adult life that I would not be part of the problem. I would be part of the solution. This was particularly
true for marriage. In a world ravaged by selfishness, betrayal, and divorce, I
would not fail. I would do my part. I
would keep it all together and stay married. I would make it work by my own force
of will and grit.
These
delusions quickly crumbled when I was forced to face my impotence against the
mountain of my own pending divorce. I
think at times we believe that we can stand in the hurricane of life straight as
a rod, unyielding and yelling with all of our might that we will not be bent, that
we will not bow, and that this hurricane will have no power over us. Yet despite the resoluteness of this cry,
life’s experiences has demonstrated to me its uncanny ability to knock me flat on
my back at will. Yes, despite our best individual
efforts (and at times our mediocre ones), life will beat us up. It will chew us
up and spit us out torn, ripped, and shredded.
It is brutal when it happens and no more acutely so than when it
involves love.
I've
learned that sometimes no matter what you give, no matter how you fight, no
matter how much you try to change your perspective on life, you're going to
fail. Life is too harsh for any of us to
think that we are not going to get steamrolled over at least once or twice… or
20 times… in this life. We must resign ourselves to this fact. I specifically
remember once naively thinking on my great life and how I had been so fortunate
to have dodged any real-life tragedies, there were setbacks to be sure, but no
real tragedies. But then it found me in
the form of my wife leaving. Sadly it
will find you too, maybe not in the form of separation and divorce, but life
has a myriad of life altering arrows in its quiver.
So
what do you do next? You stand up. It's
that simple and some times that is really all we can do. Because even though
life will keep knocking you to the curb and ghetto stomping your face, you
cannot truly live your life curled up in the fetal position with your head tucked
safely between your knees. At least I know I can’t live my life that way. I want to smile again. I want to laugh more.
I want to fall in love again.
This
life is too precious and too fleeting to be knocked to the sideline for too
long. I remember telling my (now) ex-wife as we were approaching the end that I
had no more strength to fight for us; no more strength to try to save our
marriage. All I had was the strength to stand and if she wanted to knock me
over, all it would take would be a breath and I would collapse. She breathed. I
fell. Falling, I melted into myself,
wanting to never come out again, not wanting to face this bleak world. What I didn’t tell her, but what I knew in my
heart, was that I intended to stand again. I would need a breather and a moment to find my
legs, but I would stand again and sometimes standing is enough in such times.
So
here I am, feeling naked and overwhelmed with five precious souls in tow.
Looking out on an unwritten horizon not sure if the sun is rising or setting.
But whether I push forward in the light of day or bumble along in the dark of
night, I vow to carry on and stand. I owe it to my children. I owe it to
myself. I owe it to my God.
…
I found this blog post in a forgotten computer folder, written nearly four
years ago. It’s not often you get to
look back at yourself to see if your own pomposity was mere bluster or if it
was genuine sentiment… and most importantly was it truth? I read (and am editing) these words now with
my beautiful and amazing new wife showing my young son how to cook and offering
to proof read my typo filled blog posts.
It might be slightly braggadocio to say… what I wrote above was right. The day I met my wife, I was on the verge of
quitting the dating scene. My head was
spinning with what I should do and just being so tired of dating and not
finding that one that I knew in my heart was out there. Yet, I told myself that I would get out there
this one last time and that even though I would probably fail like all the
other times before, I would stand up again and await life to knock me down…
And
then she walked into the room….
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