The Household Hauntings of a Household of Kids

Now that I am remarried with 8 kids and a very full house (san-Bob Saget), I have noted an increase in what can only be explained as paranormal activity that haunts this house.  And though I am an extreme skeptic in such matters, I felt it important to document the following unexplained activities for science and posterity:

The Bathroom Ghost
While I know of reports of people seeing and hearing ghosts, there are ghosts in our house that can be smelt.  My conclusion that this is paranormal activity is derived from the fact that I can enter a bathroom, 4 hours after any boys have departed for school, and the odor and haunting vapors still linger.

The Wall Booger Ghost
The name pretty much says it all and so help me if this is one of my kids and not some neighbor kid or a real ghost, this child will be a ghost shortly.

The Finder of Hidden Food Ghost
Every so often a parent feels the need to stash a particularly high quality treat in the freezer or pantry.  Sure, leave the Otter Pops where all can find them, but I just might store the super crunch dark chocolate and caramel Haagen Dazs bars in a less easy to see location.  Yet, despite stashing the bars in bags of frozen tofu or under a frozen brick of kale, some unknown phantom is able to make off with every thing... except the mocking empty box left abandoned in the freezer.

Church Shoe Ghost
Another ghoul, and an evil one at that, as it tends to keep the family from getting to church on time, is the Sunday shoe Ghost.  This Sabbath Day spook torments my children (and mostly their parents) by hiding, typically, only one Sunday-best shoe.  This ghost must delight in the fun of a parent chewing out the child for managing to lose just one shoe right before church... every Sunday.  And then to makes its supernatural powers known, the missing shoe will inexplicably appear as the child is told to put away the two year old VANS he wore to church. Pure evil.

Sock Ghost
The Sock Ghost must come from the opposite genus as the Church Shoe Ghost, because rather than taking socks away, it will make random socks appear... in every room of the house.  I know this is a poltergeist because the total number of abandoned socks exceed the total number of kids' feet in the house on a single day.  Moreover, many of the socks are only found as singles, rather than a matching set (perhaps they are on a little dalliance with the solo shoes?)  And no matter how often you collect and put away the foot coverings, new ones continue to appear time and again.  These socks will then end up in the Island of Unwanted Socks (or basket as the case may be).

Toast Ghost
Among the most bizarre of the specters in this house is the aptly named "Toast Ghost."   The Toast Ghost, for reasons unknown and totally uncomprehended, will cause fully cooked, yet uneaten toast to appear in the toaster... non stop.  There is always toast sitting in the toaster; cold, dry, and lonely.  Occasionally, to mix things up, a random toaster waffle will materialized too.  Yet, never a Poptart; nope, never a Poptart.  No child ever claims this toast, which one would think they would do had they been the one to put the bread into the toaster.  Yet, with no child claiming this crispy bit of baked goods, the only conclusion I can reach is a paranormal origin of this phenomenon.

Kids Halloween Candy Ghost

The final specter to haunt our happy home is the Kid’s Halloween Candy Ghost. This ghost is my and my kids' dentist's favorite ghost. It seems to haunt the children's candy piles. Often and unexpectedly, Kit Kats, Twix, Snickers, and especially 100 Grand Bars seem to magically disappear, particularly when they are at school.  Almond Joys are safe, very safe, almost immaculately protected some might say.  Perhaps, just perhaps, this ghoul exists as a balance for tolerating all of the other ghostly forms present in the home; a compensation as it were, for not exercising out all of the other specters that dwell it my… I mean “its” midst.