An Epitaph of a Mid-Single Mormon

Today we mourn the departure from the mid-singles dating world one of its kinda sorta recognized members, Brett Hansen.  Brett was born into the mid-singles world on July 10, 2015. His mid-singles birth, as with his first corporeal birth, was greeted with much crying and wailing into this new and utterly incomprehensible world.  His tears shortly dried and on shaky and uncertain legs he took his first few steps into the second-take dating life by mistakingly asking a woman to dance who had a son the same age as himself… and who was also a patent attorney (potentially dancing with a former coworker's mother). Skipping out on her after the fourth dance in a row by faking a call to his children, Brett finally met some singles his own age... or to be more accurate... women 5 to 15 years younger than him and at times flirting waaaaay to close to that creep index (Current Age/2 + 7 year). 

Jumping in with both feet, Brett threw himself out into the online dating sites of LDS Singles, Match, and Tinder.  Within a week he corrected course and promptly jumped out with both feet and hands of LDS Singles, Match, and Tinder.  Finding a nice balance of Facebook, blog writing, set ups, and crashing random singles activities, he finally built a core group of singles friend which he promptly dated and alienated. Knowing it was still too soon to be thinking about a serious relationship, he dated noncommittally a number of amazing women who deserved a committally type of fellow.   Such dichotomous goals found Brett being subject to long chastising texts on commitment and being yelled at on his doorstep multiple times… more like being chewed out, he’d been chewed out before.  Still Brett persisted in waiting for Ms. Right while continuing to play the role of Mr. Not-Right-Now.

Brett’s inglorious dating career spanned two continents, multiple races and religions, divorcees to never-been-marrieds, beauty queens to lawyers which encompassed a 20 year age spectrum, though likely greater if he had been uncouth enough to ask for actual ages.  This dating career also found him being chased by Moose, tubing under Moose, blogging about Moose, and surprisingly on several other non-Moose related activities, such as cruise in the Caribbean and rappelling flooded slot canyons in a wetsuit in the snow.  Despite having an exceptionally enjoyable time, Brett was unable to find the one he knew was out there, and like many of his fellow singles had grown frustrated, drowning his frustrations in hot chocolate and blogging.

Just before New Year’s Eve 2016, Brett contracted a fatal case of “she is the one” while attending a singles activity at Bear Lake where he knew absolutely no one (and quite by plan). Despite having his heart captured immediately, he was forced to fight through the inaccurate reportings that she was nearly engaged to another man. Not willing to let this specters of hope, beauty, and love slip away from his life, he did what any single man would do in the 21^st century, he added her as a friend on Facebook.  As the days grew into a week and more with no response Brett determined to take a respite from the dating world. Then as suddenly as he was thrown into the singles world, his heart was thrown right out of that world and back into the realm of dreams of the married family life by a Facebook message. Negotiating a first date of Indian food and a two-mile nighttime hike in the snow while packing a Glock, he knew right away that this woman was terminal to mid-singles dating Brett.

Within a matter of dates, the symptoms were fully manifest and Brett was given a prognosis that he would last less than six months.  Proving rather prophetic, a few days short of the six-month period, with his beloved Julie Wright by his side, mid-single-Brett happily passed away with a smile on his face back into the arms of a full-time family that he had truly longed for all along.  Brett did find his Ms. Right, only as is quite typical of Brett, he had the spelling wrong. It was in fact Ms. Wright he was looking for (Corny pun? Yes. Does Brett care? Nope).  Brett will be remembered in the mid-singles world by his inability to stay put in one spot, his lack of dancing or Karaoke ability, his insistence that "she made the first move," his willingness to stay to the end of a party and clean up, and mostly by his slipshod blog.  Brett is now at peace in a better place where there are no more awkward first dates, no more Marco Polo, no more online profiles, no more DTRs, and in a place of happy marital bliss… Happy ever after (at least I will give it my all!)