Seven "Real" Boy Summer Fun Activities - Flame Retardant Suit Not Included

I saw a blog post today of 33 Activities Under $10 That Will Keep Your Kids Busy All Summer.  They all seemed so picturesque and cute and SAFE, which was quite the opposite of some of my favorite childhood summer activities.  That got me reminiscing over some of the more “you did what?!?” activities of my out-ofs school youth… and I really am quite shocked that I am still alive and have all limbs:

Comet Ball:

The game is quite simple and best played at night. All you need is a couple of tennis balls, some tennis rackets near the end of their useful life, your neighbor’s lawn mower gas can, and matches.  Sound exciting so far?  Place a ball on the racket, douse in the stolen  - I mean borrowed -  gasoline, light 'er up, and then serve the comet your friend.  Watch that comet fly!  Repeat as desired or until incurring a 3rd degree burn.   A few tips to Comet Ball:  (1) don’t hold the ball while pouring on the gasoline, you may light up too, this is frowned upon by most mothers, (2) try to wear natural fabrics as they tend not to melt into your skin when ignited, (3) do not play this game in National Forests (or any game where flaming combustible fluids container are thrown or kicked).  There you go!  Lots of fun.

Black Widow v. Scorpion Cage Match:

The most challenging aspect of this summer project is collecting the supplies.  You will need an empty plastic ice cream bucket.  It is best if you locate a full bucket, eat all its contents, and rinse it out.  Then you must locate a black widow spider.  I recommend looking in window wells.  The wells can be rather tight spaces, so you may want to lower your younger brother down to see what he can find.  Scorpions can usually be found in a sage brush field hiding under a rock.  The will be angry to be discovered, kind of like Anthony Wiener.  Once you have your supplies, put a little dirt in the bucket for authenticity, drop in your two gladiators, and enjoy the show Ceaser.  This game can also be counted as entomological study.

Aquatic Variation - Fill the bucket up with water, old beer you find in the field, or whatever liquid you have on hand or tap (…yes… that will work too).  Put a few pieces of floating wood in the bilge and then get your critters on their little boats to begin the games.  One warning : Don’t give the scorpion too much beer or it will start stinging itself.  Entertaining, but it misses the point of the competition.

BMX Fire Jump:

This is for the BMX biker in the family.  First you need a nice dirt jump.  The jump should be obtained by digging a hole as deep as possible and fashioning the dirt into a ramp right next to the hole.  The width of the hole is not terribly important, only the depth.  If you dig a hole that is 6 feet deep and 1 foot wide, you can report to your friends that you jumped a 6 foot hole.  Cool huh? (maybe that is how I ended up as a lawyer).  Next, test the jump.  Find the biggest nut in the crowd and have him try the jump until it stops collapsing and he quits crashing.  Fill the hole with sticker bushes.  When you are ready, light up the stickers.  Once the flames catch and flicker above the top of the ramp, hit that jump into Evel Knievel glory.

Ghost Arrows:

This game works best in deep darkness or even in a heavy winter fog.  You will need a psychotic friend with a compound bow and arrows (we all have a friend like that somewhere).  Lead a couple of your unsuspecting friends to an open field with no cover.  Load the arrow in the bow and point the bow laterally at no specific target.  At the very last second, angle the bow upwards, fire the arrow into the blackness, look to your now alarmed friends, and tell them quite casually “run.”  At this point you must choose if you will huddle together as a group or scatter.  The scatter method seems to be preferred.  If no one must leave for the emergency room, call you psychotic friend an idiot and then have him repeat. 

Safer Variation - This game also works well with law darts.  Since they are illegal in all states, you may need to go to Mexico or see if Grandma will give you her set for your birthday.

Moron Roulette:

For this game you will need a starter pistol with some caps borrowed from the school’s track program for a skit.  Meet your comrades somewhere around 2:00 am.  Load a single cap into the pistol and spin the cylinder (See “The Deer Hunter” for source material).  Go to the door step of one of the cute girls in your neighborhood or the doorstep of your neighborhood FBI agent.  Select one of your friends to go first.  This person must stand by himself in the door way with a gun aimed in the air and pull the trigger.  Your friends will stay at a safe distance away in the shadows.  Pull the trigger… click.  Next friends turn.  You will observe that with each progressive “click” your friends will stand guard further and further away.  Continue until some pulls the trigger and it goes “BANG.”  At this point check your shorts to determine how messy it will be to sprint or if it is best if you just do a waddle run.   Then RUN LIKE HECK!!!  It is quite fun!

The Bob Barker Variation – Some one had the idea that it would be even scarier if the person standing at the doorstep aims the pistol at his own groin (not sure who contrived this variation).  If the gun goes off on your turn, first, confirm that your business is still there, forget the state of your shorts, and then run…albeit gingerly for no physically identifiable reason.

Dig a Deep Hole:

That’s it.  Just see how deep you can dig a hole for no particular reason.  Once you have it as deep as your latter can reach, abandon the hole to capture neighborhood children for years to come (notice this is the only one I have a picture for.  I am sure the current generation would insist on video recording all such activities and posting them on Youtube.). 

Bottle Rocket Bonanza:

This activity first requires a run to Evanston, Wyoming to procure a bushel of bottle rockets.  Next you will need to fashion PVC pipe and fittings into guns.  The barrels should be long enough to hold a bottle rocket.  I prefer to include a side hole near the bottom of the barrel so that the sparks fly sideways.  Once ammo is obtained and guns are fashioned, find neighbors who are throwing a nice yard party or a 4^th of July party.  Then celebrate with them from the bushes.  It is recommended that you try to avoid hitting people in the face and likewise, avoid shooting at the Ferraris. 

Note: If for some odd reason your neighbors take exception to your firework show and even if you were not actually there (say at a Richard Marx concert for example), having conceived of the idea and having built some of the guns is sufficient basis for a substantial grounding.  So I advised against getting caught or at least advise against inviting that psychotic friend who has a grudge against Ferraris.

LEGAL DISCLAIMER

The management of Brett’s Big Bad Blog takes no responsibility for any injuries or soiled under garments incurred in attempting any of the preceding.  Probably best just not trying any of them at all.  Also, though none of the preceding ideas are admissions of guilt, to the best of my knowledge all statute of limitations have run.