Uncle Buck is a family favorite, but it has nothing to do with the certain teenage daughter in my family acting like a certain daughter in my family - OK it actually does (love you A).
Quote Tool Kit:
"You know what a hatchet is, don't you, Bug?... I got one in my car if you'd like to see it. I like to carry it, you never know when you're going to need it. A situation may come up say for example, someone has been drinking, and about to drive a loved one home... then I'd like to know I have it. Not to kill, no. Just to maim. Take a little off the shoulder. Swish! The elbow. Slash! Shave a little meat off the old kneecap. Fowap! Ooooo! You got both kneecaps? I like to keep mine razor sharp. Sharp enough you can shave with it. Why I've been known to circumcise a gnat. You're not a gnat are you, Bug? Wait a minute, bug, gnat. Is there a little similarity? Whoa, I think there is! Ha ha ha. You understand what I'm talking about? I don't think you do. I'll be right back. Heh heh heh heh." I plan to use this little beauty on each and every boy who comes to my door to pick up my daughters for date. Especially the 'circumcise a gnat' line. That does it every time.
"Take this quarter, go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face!" I always carry a quarter around with me just in case there is a chance to use this quote, just in case.
"I don't think I want to know a six-year-old who isn't a dreamer, or a sillyheart. And I sure don't want to know one who takes their student career seriously. I don't have a college degree. I don't even have a job. But I know a good kid when I see one. Because they're ALL good kids, until dried-out, brain-dead skags like you drag them down and convince them they're no good." I'd like to hear someone use this one at the department of education. Also, I should have used this one on the teacher who called a special meeting with the principal because my son has ADHD - It's called being smarter than you and having more energy than you. Deal with it... whatever the male form of 'skag' is!
Where to start, where to start? This movie has some of the most quotable movie moments ever and all from a sidekick that, but for his reflexes, does absolutely nothing in the entire movie. So if you ever want to act cooler than you really are (which I do all of the time), pull out one of these quotes.
Quote Tool Kit:
"It's all in the reflexes." Each and every time you do something cool and ninja like, you MUST use this quote. Or even if you do something dumb and stupid, still works.
"Have ya paid your dues, Jack? Yessir, the check is in the mail.' To use this quote, you need a certain swagger in your voice. So if you are ever asked if your TPS forms are done, just say "Yessir, the check is in the mail."
"Everybody relax, I'm here." Look, I just use this one whenever I walk in the room. It seems to work perfect. It is also a good line to use if you are a masseuse, but not a line you should use if you are a proctologist - see Fletch below.
"Would you stop rubbing your body up against mine, because I can't concentrate when you do that." This one is probably only useful when escaping danger with a hot girl in a confined space, but you never know, it could happen. I recommend against EVER using this line if you are mortician at work.
"Are you crazy... Is that your problem?" I think by noon each and everyday you will find an opportunities to use this quote.
"We really shook the pillars of heaven, didn't we?" Not really sure when to use this quote, but I'd better be something really, really cool.
Clark Griswold quotes should be a mainstay of the holiday season and as I have a little too much Clark Griswold in me, they seem to be used against me all too often.
Quote Tool Kit:
"We're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny flip'n Kaye." [edited of course] I just use this a pronouncement at the beginning of every holiday season, now whether this can be achieved without compulsion and threats remains to be seen.
[Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?] "Bend over and I'll show you." The existence of this line guarantees that no one will every ask where to place your Christmas tree again. There are also many other opportunities to use this line throughout the year. I would not recommend using this line on your boss, unless you are quitting.
"Hallelujah! Holy crap! Where's the Tylenol?" [Once more edited for children and Christmas] If you have the 'go big, or go home' philosophy of Christmas, this quote and a bottle of Tylenol will come in very handy.
No one does deadpan better, but boring people never get these quotes. So it is a good test to see if your friends are in fact... boring. And if they are, it's OK. You can just mess with them even more.
"Surely you can't be serious." "I am serious... and don't call me Shirley." Use this line whenever someone use the word "surely." In fact, because of the repeated use of this quote, my kids avoid using the work "surely" at all costs.
"Have you ever been in a... in a Turkish prison?" or "You ever seen a grown man naked?" Using either line generally kills and conversation, which can be very desirable at times. Try it on a door-to-door salesman. Does the trick every time.
"Get that finger out of your ear! You don't know where that finger's been!" This is a great one if you are every a kindergarten or primary teacher. The kids will ponder the question deeply.
A second Chevy Chase appearance. This also hold a place in my heat because of all of the Utah references.
Quote Tool Kit:
"You using the whole fist, Doc?" Save this one for your first doctors appointment after age 40.
"He is actually six-five, with the afro, six-nine." With all of the pho-hawk, spiky hair, and hipsters with white-man-fro (kind of a Caucasian-afro, but I just can't seem to get the term "Cauc-fro" to catch on), you can use this one at will with any of the aforementioned crowd.
"I'll have a Bloody Mary and a steak sandwich and... a steak sandwich, please." Always a fun one to use while actually ordering a streak sandwich, but make sure your waiter has seen Fletch or you will end up with a Bloddy Mary, two steak sandwiches and no Mr. Underhill around to foot the bill.
BETTER OFF DEAD
If you every wanted to know what makes John Cusack cool, this move is the answer.
Quote Tool Kit:
"I want my two dollars!" To be used whenever collecting money from anyone. I recommend showing up on a BMX to make the collection. I think bartenders should use this line more.
"Now that's a real shame when folks be throwin' away a perfectly good white boy like that." I like to use this quote whenever I ask my boys to get into the garbage can to stomp it down. You can also use this line to console your friend if his wife leaves him... provided he is in fact Caucasian.
"Gee, I'm real sorry your mom blew up, Ricky." I am not sure I can advise when to use this quote, but you will know it when you see it.
A classic must see where the quotes are so bizarre, you have no choice but to use them. All quotes must be made some with some form of hick drawl.
Quote Tool Kit:
"Son, you got a panty on your head." Really, just use this line whenever you want. Can't think of too many circumstances where this line may be literally used. I tend to throw it around a lot on laundry day.
"I'm crappin' you negative." Best used in place of 'I sh%^ you not," especially at church.
"Better hurry it up, I'm in dutch with the wife." I think we all know when to use this one.
"But I saw an old couple being visited by their children, and all their grandchildren too. The old couple weren't screwed up. And neither were their kids or their grandkids. And I don't know. You tell me. This whole dream, was it wishful thinking? Was I just fleeing reality like I know I'm liable to do? But me and Ed, we can be good too. And it seemed real. It seemed like us and it seemed like, well, our home. If not Arizona, then a land not too far away. Where all parents are strong and wise and capable and all children are happy and beloved. I don't know. Maybe it was Utah." OK you will never actually be able to quote this fully, but it doesn't make it less true. Ah Utah....
There it is, my cult class quote list. Go forth and be a smart-A.
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