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| This will make sense later... I hope. |
The older I get, the more I am aware of how many people loathe Valentines day, seeing it as a roll call of the loverless. While, either being alone or together, I can't say I have felt the day's painful sting, nevertheless I thought I would offer up some suggestion for those flying solo on how to make this a memorable V-Day without the need to go see dirty big screen adaptation of poorly written ebook.
- Buy a bag of heart candies and start texting the inscriptions to random phone numbers. This is best done with someone else’s phone… like a sibling or roommate's who is out on a Valentines Date.
- Go buy a flower bouquet and pink balloons. Drop them on the door step of you favorite neighborhood meathead gym rat with a note reading "We are having a girl! You will be a great father!”
- Play 50 Shade of Grey all by yourself. This is accomplished by taking 4 Ambien and passing out until Feb. 15th. When you awake you can image the you engaged in all kinds of romantic adventures while severely drugged especially if that romantic adventure involves drooling all over yourself, because that is likely all you did.
- Make 5 separate reservations for two at the fanciest restaurant in town at the busiest time of the evening. Go to the restaurant five minutes early and start auctioning off your reservations to the men outside waiting with their dates. Then take the cash to Chuck-e-Cheese and blow it all on skeeball and dessert pizzas.
- Go to the Walmart lingerie section and find something racy, lacy, and red. The walk around the store and hold it up in front of senior citizens as they walk by as if to check for size and fit. Nod as if it will fit just fine.
- Perform a ritualistic burning of The Notebook.
- Set up a Tinder account. Try to connect with people who are located the shorted distance from you. Then start sending them message about how nice they look and how good their hair smells. Do make sure it is not Conan O'Brien, that one will boomerang back at you.
- Get a table for two at the Olive Garden. Tell the hostess that you are meeting your girlfriend there. Gently put an engagement ring box on the table and act fidgety. After about 45 minutes of breadsticks and lemonade refills, start crying loudly. Finally order a big meal to drown you sorrows and see if the meal is on the house. Alternatively, you can start eyeing random waitresses and the ring box, back and forth.
- Take a single red rose with you to your local zoo or aquarium. Place the rose gently in front of the tank of a large aquatic mammal. Look deeply into its eyes and say out loud “I miss those soft lips.” Turn an walk away mournfully.
- Gentle turn down you sheets, sprinkle it with rose pedals, and light a few candles. Then spend the night jumping on your bed watching Bruce Lee movies.
- Go to one of the trampoline parks with the foam pits. Dive into the pit and stay under the foam for a few moments. When you pop out call back into the pit “You are such an amazing kisser!” and tell the next person in line, "You are in for a treat."
- Watch every single Marvel movie released in the past 3 year while dressing like a character in each of the movie. Do not post picture on Facebook or Instragram though.
- Visit you grandmother at the old folks home. When everyone is at dinner, sneak away and find an unlocked door. Cover the bed with rose pedals and leave the following note “ I’ll be by at 1:00 am, leave out a glass for my dentures. XOXO.”
- Handcuff your wrist to your ankle over your neck (if you are flexible enough) then hop into your local police station or emergency room mumbling, “Stupid 50 Shades!”
- Do anything involving hockey, Clint Eastwood, or a table saw. Just not all at the same time.
- Get a temporary tattoo on your arm with a big read heart reading “ME” in the middle. Tell you mom it is real.
- Book a couples massage as Massage Envy. When you show up alone, demand that you and your imaginary friend get their massages in the same room. To pull this off, best slur your words a lot.
- Find where your local Mormon Missionaries live. Put a big box of sweets on their doorstep with a note saying “For the hot looking Elder.” Hide in the bushes and watch them fight it out.
- Go to your local book store and mix in the Bible with copies of 50 Shades of Grey.
- Go to a bridge spanning a large body of water with a box of chocolates and a pair of shoes that clearly do not belong to you. Set the shoes next to where you are standing and look over the edge into the water while casually eating the chocolates one by one. Every so often, throw one into the water yelling "This one is coconut. See! I told you I hate coconut!"
- Stroll into your local pet store. Find the attendant and ask him to find you the reptile that best says “I love you.”
- Drop a little gift bag off on the doorstep of your favorite cutesy couple while the husband is still at work. Place in the bag the blandest pair of Walmart-special granny-underwear you can find with a note saying “Hope to see you in these when I get home! XOXOX.” Be sure the undies are 3 sizes too large. If they are large enough you can get away with only buying the bottoms.
- As you neighbors head out on their Valentines date, start marking both sides of your doorway with sheep's blood. Shake your head at them as they drive away. Next plant a fog machine in the shrubs by their front door. As they pull into the driveway, crank on the fog machine full blast and start throwing frogs from the bushes.
- Sit at home reading dumb blog posts all night.
- Or worse yet, write stupid blog posts making repeated reference to a book you have never read and a movie you never will see.
Have Valentines Day... and remember it is only 31 day until St. Patrick's Day!
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