As a venture into my post-divorce social life, one comment
that I’ve heard several times is how “well-adjusted” I am. I’m not quite
sure what this really means. Are people expecting me be bathing in a tub
of flavored whiskey while sobbing over the Notebook on repeat? Should I be
confined to the bed all day with the help of some rather sturdy adult diapers?
Or perhaps they expect me to buy a small yappy dog, give it my exes name and
kick it around a lot (...hmmmm…)? I’m not sure what people normally do,
it’s my first divorce. Maybe I’m doing something right? (There’s also the
possibility that I am doing something so dreadfully wrong that it just looks
right - I will not foreclose that possibility). Nevertheless, assuming that I’m
at least on the right track to moving on like Al Gore, I thought that I would
share my thoughts the subject… since you asked (this is the risk you take
reading my blog).
There are a litany of events in one’s lifetime that can
leave you frustrated and pretty blasted angry; a divorce, a layoff, a death, a
rejection, being a Cowboys fan, Star Wars episodes I-III, the list goes
on. And perhaps you all know someone who has let one of these events eat
at them for years. Maybe it’s even the Man in the Mirror who is
just can’t let it go. But does it have to? Now I’m not saying
there is not a time for mourning and frustration, everything in its
season. Seasons are season because they pass. So when it is time
(and it might be sooner than you think) just do like it like Elsa and let that
sucker go – (Though don’t be like Elsa and bottle it up, nearly kill your
sister, freeze over Scandinavia, or create two sentient snowmen – but you can
Let It Go.)
Now emotional pain is rather unique, there is nothing
tangible to fix. Think about it, barring a pretty hefty substance abuse (which
I am not advising), there’s nothing physical you can do to take emotional pain
away. It is something you have to consciously give away which means (and I
hate to say this), it is in your head. This is not a bad
thing necessarily (unless it is voices). This means you can control it
with a little perspective shift in your own head; using your head to regulated your emotions. So here are few tips
for shifting your own thinking to help you let that hurt go without any magic
powers or singing:
Hate Hurts You – Not Them
I get it, you are mad, hurt, angry. Yah, me too. It feels
good for a while. But why brood in it? Really, does being angry with
someone hurt them; especially where, in many cases this person is out of your
life? Even if this person is in your life here and there, you have to be with
yourself ALL THE TIME. Now tell me, when is the last time you had a good
day, while being angry all the time? Hate puts you in a bad mood, despite
what the Emperor says. So why do it? Be selfish here. Let go of the
hate and join the light side. Find things that make you happy and do
them! Quit worrying about other people, you can't fix them... (Nice lead in)
All You Can Control Is Yourself – So You Just Worry About
You
Here is one of those little secrets that relationship books
try to teach you: the only person you can control is yourself. No one else,
sorry. This is especially true as it pertains to people who have bolted out of
your life like... Husain Bolt. You want to force the other person to change, to be nicer, to
be fairer, to stop doing the things that hurt you. It won't work. Quit
looking to the person who hurt your to make your life better. You own
you, you get to fix you. Then when you focus on you, you forget whoever that person
was who hurt you (or you just get a front row seat to someone's downward spiral - karma as
it were).
Own Your Our Sh… Stuff
It is easy - and a bit lazy - to pretend that relationship
issues are one-sided. Blaming feels so good, and we love it when we can
entirely dump it on someone else. I mean who wouldn’t want me,
right? But in truth most fall-outs between two people have fault in both
sides. I know, sucks right? It may be a small percent (sometime
very small, for my friends married to addicts), but taking even a little blame means taking your own control and make you
stronger. It makes you less of a victim and empowers you to own your own
life and make it better.
They are Idiot – They Don’t Know Any Better
My father once told me to not be offended when an idiot acts
like an idiot. How else should I expect an idiot to act? Quite
true. We can waste away many years hoping that a jerk in our life stops
acting like a German-shower Bag, but what are you expecting? Often this
person has departed your presence in just such a jerk moment. That is what they
are. Do you get mad when a sloth moves slow? Nope. So let the idiots be
and go on with life being your awesome self.
You Can’t Go Back – Accept It and Go Forward
Unless you are the proud owner of a flux capacitor, a phone booth from the future, or a TARDIS you probably cannot fix what happened the past. What is
done is done and no matter how you fret or worry or agonize, it just isn’t
going to get undone. So don't relive the mistakes. Learn - yes; relive - no. Don't replay the fights.
Just don't go there, it won't make a difference. Your past is locked in stone, superglued together and ducked taped into a ball. Your future on the other hand.... So focus on what you build in the future, on not try dissecting the past.
Try to Be Like Jesus - Forgive
Maybe you go to church each Sunday or even just hear and there. If you do go, I am guessing you have heard of someone named Jesus. He taught that we are forgiven as we forgive others. Now take a look at your own past. Would a little forgiveness from God do your soul good? I am guessing that is a big "Yes!" So if it's good enough for Jesus, it good enough for me. Forgive and just let it go.
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